Sens at Land’s End

Would you vote for a toothless man?

I was discussing DC-area sports teams and the US election with a friend last night, so naturally, I showed her the above photo of Alex Ovechkin. Upon seeing the picture, her response was: “His tooth … I mean … that’s not real, right?”

I was shocked. To me, the gap-toothed look is as synonymous with hockey players as hair worn in buns is with librarians or Princess Leia. The other day, I was Google image searching for pictures of the players on one of my fantasy teams (I have some really boring classes this semester) and I was finding gap-displaying pictures of guys I’d never realized were in the toothless crowd. I started to wonder how many players in the league are actually covering up their dentally challenged status with falsies. It must be a dilemma for them. On the one hand, lost teeth almost seem like a form of street cred for hockey players; on the other hand, missing teeth in normal society, unless you are eight years old, is perhaps not considered to be a mark of class and good breeding. When was the last time you saw a politician or a movie star flaunting his missing tooth? (I’ll tell you: it was in 1994 when Jim Carrey had a cap removed for Dumb & Dumber. Chris Cooper’s missing teeth in Adaptation? Fake.)

Then again, hockey players are quite possibly the only adults who have a decent shot at making toothlessness as a fashion statement look good. Their job gives them a little leeway in this area: we don’t actually expect them to have good teeth, so we’re not shocked when they have dental issues that would seem severely disturbing on anyone else. In fact, the toothless smile of the hockey player often takes on a certain charm. As Keanu Reeves once said, “chicks dig scars.”

But is this statement universally true? I think it’s fair to say that some players pull off the lost tooth look better than others. In the interest of science, I am now going to undertake a survey to determine which players should invest in some dentures, and which should stick with the teeth God gave them and hockey took away. Today, we will take a look at the man who prompted the whole discussion in the first place.

Exhibit A: Alexander Ovechkin

On the left, a young, pristine Ovechkin. On the right, Ovechkin after three seasons of hard living in the NHL.

Tooth Story: Ovechkin managed to live 21 full years with all his teeth in tact. It wasn’t until the Caps’ 2007-2008 season opener against Atlanta that a stick to the face broke his front tooth. The tooth was not completely knocked out, but the leftover piece was removed after the game and Ovechkin has yet to replace it. Totally unsubstantiated rumour has it that the team dentist has raised the issue of fixing the tooth several times, but Ovechkin always mysteriously disappears when an opportunity to do so arises. Could it be that Alexander the Great has a fear of dentists? Maybe, but he might also just like the look.

Dentalysis: If he is just sticking with toothlessness because he thinks he looks good, he’s quite right to do so. The lack of tooth complements Ovechkin’s joyful, childlike, and puckish (ohhhh … no pun intended, it’s just the perfect word for him) personality very well (as did that red tie and vest combination he wore at the NHL Awards this year — see photo). It also lends an extra touch to the unkempt style he’s got going with his scruffy hair and ever-present stubble. And let’s face it, it’s not like losing his tooth spoiled his beauty anyway: Ovechkin is not blessed with a traditionally handsome face and much of his sex appeal — which I promise you he does have — comes from his charisma. The gap does not detract from that quality; in fact, it even adds to it by making his face more interesting.

Verdict: Keep avoiding the dentist, Ovie. Get on your Segway and ride far, far away.