Sens at Land’s End

Another in-game post for you so you can continue to witness a hockey fan being slowly driven insane by her team.

Pregame Remarks

Tuning in to the pre-game show on CBC, I hear Ron MacLean say that the Sens and Leafs will not be on the main network in BC because the Ducks (who are playing the Habs) are a western team and more “familiar” to audiences out here or some such nonsense. (This doesn’t make any sense to me, because last year the CBC pre-empted a Sens-Coyotes game in BC in favour of the Leafs, when the Canucks’ playoff hopes were directly affected by the Coyotes’ results.) If this had happened last year I would have been enraged. Happily, I now have Centre Ice and am not dependent on these assclowns for my Sens coverage anymore.

Thanks to a fortuitous leg injury to a certain individual, Alex Auld is in for the Sens today, as is Brian Elliott, who has been called up from the B-Sens to serve as backup. This is good news — in fact, it’s the kind of news that made me want to laugh and dance and celebrate the feeling that a gigantic weight had been lifted off my shoulders — but I still have absolutely no idea what to expect from the game today. It could go scoreless to the shootout or be a blowout for either team and I wouldn’t be surprised.

The CBC informs us that Dany Heatley has been “on a tear” with nine points on the season. That’s a bit of an overstatement. It seems Heatley and Jason Spezza will be reunited tonight — Heatzza once more! — and Alfie is with Mike Fisher. I feel these combinations are more natural than the other way.

First Period

20:00: I see that Nick Foligno is the third member of the Alfie and Fisher line. I like it. Jesse Winchester will be with Heatzza. Heatzzachester.

19:01: Fight! Fight! Luke “The Magnificent” Schenn is taking on Chris Neil. This seems to have started after Neil tried to take out Matt Stajan, though it doesn’t look to me like Neil really even touched Stajan, and in fact Stajan fell trying to run away from Neil. There is no clear victor in the fight as far as I can tell. I know I shouldn’t like Leafs players, but I can’t help it: I really like Luke Schenn.

16:06: There’s a scramble at Auld’s net, but the Leafs do not score. Yay!

14:35: Jason Smith catches the puck, but unlike yesterday he manages to put it down and play it without it somehow ending up in the Sens’ net. Double yay!

13:29: Anton Volchenkov is called for interference.

12:10 or so: Dean McAmmond gets a nice shorthanded chance after the Leafs turn the puck over to Jarkko Ruutu. Apparently, Toronto has not had a shot on this power play, and the Sens’ penalty kill continues to put up strong numbers. Shots, however, are 7-2 Leafs overall. That’s not good.

10:06: I now see a line of Fisher, Winch, and Nick Foligno. Let’s see … the missing person in this situation is Alfie, which must mean … oh, come on. *headdesk*

8:37: I see Spezza on the ice, and a moment later the first big three sighting is confirmed. Right away they get a wicked scoring chance as Heater feeds the puck out to Alfie, who is right in front of the net. But Alfie then takes penalty about 20 seconds later.

7:00: Mikhail Grabovski goes in on a breakaway and hits the crossbar! Auld loses the puck! The PK looks somewhat less impressive just there.

6:23: Another penalty, this one to Jason Smith. I see how it is today. The Leafs get three seconds of 5-on-3 time.

5:46: After a big scramble which saw at least six players jammed in front of Auld’s net, the Leafs score and the Sens have given up the first goal yet again. I wonder what it’s like to have a lead.

3:00 or so: Ottawa’s fourth line of Ruutu, McAmmond, and Shean Donovan has a really good shift in the Leafs’ zone. I think to myself that those guys should get more icetime. The big three are sent in to follow up this shift and hopefully pick up on its momentum; however, they manage to do very little.

1:20: Heatley goes digging for the puck behind the Leafs’ net and comes out with a wraparound attempt but does not score. He looks rather discouraged. The Sens have at least managed to draw a penalty with this spurt of play in the Toronto zone.

0:12: A failed pass from Heatley to Picard. Argh. The power play will continue for the first 46 seconds of the second period.

First Intermission

Well, that was not very successful. Shots were 19-9 for Toronto, and were 18-4 at one point before the Sens had that last flurry in the Leafs’ end. Now here’s Don Cherry to talk about our troops. He’s wearing a truly stunning lavender suit to match his Hockey Fights Cancer tie this evening and gives Chris Neil props for fighting George Parros the other night.

Second Period

19:08: After the Sens manage no pressure at all on the remainder of their power play, Anton Stralman comes out of the box and streaks in on goal. He does not score.

17:45: Grabovski, however, does score, with a shot to the top corner. I guess I should have gone to the liquor store today.

15:54: Wow, we scored a goal! Shean Donovan gets one: a reward for some good work today. If I’m not mistaken, Donovan has now scored on two of three shots he’s taken this season, yet he’s averaging somewhere around six minutes of icetime per game. I’d like to know what he has to do to get more.

15:18: Now we’re back in the Ottawa zone and Anton Volchenkov gets a penalty. I think to myself that this would be a really bad time for another Leafs goal.

14:33: But Auld keeps his leg down on the ice to prevent the Leafs from poking a puck in. Phew.

13:51: Greg Millen keeps talking about how a Leafs player was missing his hockey stick on the Sens goal. It seems important to him to specify that the stick in question was indeed a hockey stick, and not some other random kind of stick.

13:00: Auld stops the hockey puck on a scary-looking wraparound attempt by Nikolai Kulemin.

11:44: The Leafs are looking dangerous again. “They’re all over Ottawa,” says Bob Cole. They sure are, Bob. It’s really not good, from my perspective anyway, though I suppose Bob feels okay about it.

10:00: At the halfway point in this game, the shots are 31-12 for Toronto. There’s no way the Sens deserve to be within a goal here.

8:16: Spezza passes to no one. No one! That? That was not creative. That was just dumb.

6:49: Winch, Foligno, and Antoine Vermette have the puck right in front of the Leafs’ net. They get a good opportunity but no one is able to poke it in.

6:05: There is massive booing taking place at the ACC, but I have no clue what’s causing it. Alfie probably gave Schenn a funny look or something.

5:15: The Leafs’ net has come off its moorings. Vesa Toskala lies motionless on the ice, possibly dead. What a blow for the Leafs! Meanwhile, I am developing a case of heartburn. Has it been caused by the Sens’ atrocious play or the excessive amount of onion I put in my dinner? I have no way of knowing. After the TV time out, the CBC reveals the cause of the earlier ACC booing: Jamal Mayers dropped the gloves to try to get Chris Neil to fight for no reason, but Neil refused. Neil has now been given a 10 minute misconduct, while Mayers has been given … nothing? Okay.

5:04: Dominic Moore is called for holding Alfie. On the ensuing Sens power play, Toskala makes a save. I guess he’s not dead after all.

4:32: Spezza attempts to skate through 3 Leafs players and loses control of the puck, but the Sens get the power play set up anyway. There’s lots of passing, and then a good looking chance when Kuba throws the puck to the net for Alfie and Heatley to jam at. No results.

3:22: The Leafs get a shorthanded two on one after the puck bounces off Filip Kuba’s skate, but Foligno gets back to break up the play. Kuba seemed to be on the ice for the entire power play.

1:08: An interference call on Christoph Schubert, back in the lineup tonight after being a healthy scratch for the last two games. Now that he’s back, I remember why I’m so annoyed by him.

Second Intermission

The shots in the second were 12-4 for the Leafs, and are now 33-13 overall. The CBC presents an interview with Alfie, who says that the team’s play with the puck has not been good. The subject of his contract talks comes up, and he says he’s confident things will work out: “I’d love to finish my career in Ottawa, and I don’t see anything else happening.” Well, there’s your good news for the day. On the Hot Stove, Pierre LeBrun tells us that the International Olympic Committee is trying to prevent Team Canada from using the maple leaf logo on their jerseys due to licensing concerns! Good lord! Al Strachan says the  over/under on Barry Melrose’s firing is November 15 and the commentators laugh merrily. Haha, Tampa Bay is imploding, and the Hot Stove finds this hilarious. But who could ever have seen it coming?

Third Period

18:40: La la la … nothing is happening. Oh, now we see why Neil got his misconduct penalty: it seems he was taunting Toronto’s Ryan Hollweg over his recent suspension for excessive hitting from behind, turning to face the boards and inviting Hollweg to hit him. Seriously? You can get a misconduct for that? What kind of world is it when you can’t mock assholes for their misdeeds? I ask you.

18:31: Heater gets a decent shot off but Toskala makes the save. We see Leafs assistant coach Tim Hunter on the bench, and I wonder if he’s ever read Neil Gaiman’s The Books of Magic. Probably not.

17:56: Donovan is on the offensive again. He gets a shot away, but Toskala is there for the save. That takes his shooting percentage back down to 50. Unfazed, Donovan then skates like the wind to beat out an icing call. It would be really good, I think, if he got more icetime. During a stoppage, the CBC shows a graphic illustrating the Sens’ abysmal record since the second half of last season. So that’s why it feels like they’ve been losing so much: they have been!

15:00 or so: During a stoppage, Greg and Bob mention that with his assist today, Kuba has assists in all eight of the Sens’ games so far this season. That is a new NHL record for most consecutive games with an assist to start a season by a defenseman. This seems like a fairly obscure record, but hey, go Kuba.

13:14: Smith shoots and Neil very nearly puts in the rebound — it’s on its way into the net, but the famous Jeff Finger gets a stick on it and clears it out of the crease.

12:36: Toronto’s Nik Antropov goes in on a one on three, I think. He still gets a shot off, but Auld stops it. Antropov is pretty hot. The Sens, on the other hand, are all looking extremely unattractive right now.

8:38: Is there still a game on? I blacked out after bashing my head on my keyboard repeatedly.

8:13: Greg says Spezza may be lacking confidence right now. I wonder if that could have anything to do with the media people and fans who went on and on for like a week about that turnover he made in overtime in the first game against Pittsburgh in Sweden.

7:00: Jason Blake goes in on a breakaway. Oh no! But Alexandre Picard stops him with a GREAT pokecheck.

6:40: … aaaaaaaaand just as Bob says maybe the Sens will get some life from that play, Heatley loses the puck at the Leafs’ blueline. The Leafs recover the puck …

6:23: … and Alexei Ponikarovsky scores on a rebound, after Picard, the hero of 40 seconds ago, fails to cover him. From the sublime to the ridiculous.

6:02: Donovan is in front of the Leafs’ net, and he very nearly scores again. Again, can he please have more icetime?

5:36: After a TV time out, the CBC gives us an out of town score. I must really hate Montreal because I’m actually a little glad they’re losing 6-3 to Anaheim. And we all know how much I hate Anaheim.

4:34: You know how in football they don’t really play the last couple of minutes sometimes? They should just do that now too. Speaking of football, I’ve adopted the New York Giants as my team but they’re playing the Steelers tomorrow, and the Steelers are my other team. I’m so conflicted! Oh hang on, there’s still a hockey game going here.

3:02: Well … nothing is happening.

2:33: Blake is going in on a breakaway again but a penalty has been called on the Sens: Chris Phillips goes off for hooking.

2:08: It’s going to be a tough row to hoe for Ottawa, says Bob. It’s okay, I don’t think they’re in a hoeing mood anyway.

0:48: Dean McAmmond scores a shorthanded goal. It goes in off Mike Van Ryn’s stick. Rough week for Van Ryn: this was him. Anyway, this was a nice play by McAmmond and that’s great, but really — whoop de frickin’ doo.

0:25: The big three are called offside. Bob keeps saying “Look out, folks!” but I’m not sure why. Ottawa takes its time out. McAmmond is on the ice with the big three and Kuba to end the game. Clearly, McAmmond and Kuba deserve to be there, but why the other three? With the net empty, Picard is the extra man. He makes a diving play to keep the puck on-side. The puck gets to the net and there’s a scramble and a bit of a scrum, involving … Spezza? Spezza and Schenn. Weird.

0:15: Heatley gets a point blank shot on Toskala with seconds to go but does not score. Game over.

Postgame Thoughts

The final shot count was 38-24 for Toronto (apparently, the Sens had 11 in the third period, or possibly they bribed an official) and I don’t even know that that accurately reflects the crappiness of the effort put forth by the Sens tonight. The only players exempted from my wrath are the guys on the fourth line, who played really well, and maybe Filip Kuba. Losing to Anaheim sucks. Losing to Toronto is absolutely humiliating. Losing to Anaheim and Toronto on back-to-back nights? That’s just cruel. Sometimes I wonder why the Sens hate their fans so much.

Anyway … whatever. Monday: Buffalo. The Sabres are, naturally, undefeated so far this season. That sounds promising.