Sens at Land's End

Watching the last two Senators games, I’ve found myself thinking of one word: why? Why is this team so bad? Why can’t they score? Why am I still watching? Last night’s effort against Washington (a 5-1 loss for Ottawa) was simply pathetic. Wednesday’s game against Chicago (a 2-0 loss) looks better on the scoresheet, but if not for some very unfortunate bounces for the Hawks it could, and no doubt would, have been worse. The Sens looked as though they were playing at half speed. They were generating nothing at all in the way of offense and produced what might actually have been the single worst five-on-three power play of all time in the first period. It was bad even by their standards.

In honour of the team’s wholly sucktacular performances this week, I’ve decided to forego doing game recap posts for the last two games (as Five for Smiting says, my effort level on that will match the team’s). Instead, I will present a few Christmas gifts that I hope might help the team escape this … hmm, I was going to say “slump,” but is it really a slump if they’re just bad? Well, whatever, I present some gifts to help the team in another instalment of …

Christmas for the Sens!

This team has all kinds of problems, but I think it’s safe to say that the main one is their inability to score. They have scored only 63 goals on the entire season, good for last in the NHL. They are ranked 29th in the NHL with a paltry average of 2.33 goals per game, ahead of only the Tampa Bay Lightning (today’s opponent, so that should be exciting). Just to be cruel, I thought I would see what happened if I removed the three games in which the team has scored more than four goals (6-3 over Phoenix, 5-2 over Buffalo, and 5-1 over Atlanta) and recalculate the goals per game. That takes it down to 1.96.

Of course, the bulk of the offense has come from the big three. In fact Dany Heatley and Jason Spezza alone have scored a whopping 41% of the team’s goals (26). Take them away and the goals per game go down to 1.37. Take away Daniel Alfredsson’s 7 goals as well, and we find that the rest of the team has managed to put up a magnificent average of 1.11 goals per game. Which brings me to today’s gifts, which go to three players who are supposed to be alleviating this team’s offensive woes to some degree, and who have seven goals between them. Total.

Mike Fisher, Antoine Vermette, and Chris Kelly

Gifts for us all, really.
First, Mike Fisher. Oh Fish. I have a soft spot for you, I really do. I love you for your speed, your fearless style of play, and that shorthanded breakaway goal you scored against Buffalo during the playoffs two years ago. The flashes of lunatic anger you sometimes show on the ice and your ability to grow incredibly sexy (2007 playoff beard) and very ridiculous (current moustache) facial hair have also endeared you to me. But, really, for the love of the hockey gods, I wish you would score a freaking goal. It’s not for lack of trying. I can see that. Someday, one of those golden opportunities you get is bound to go in. To help you towards that goal (hopefully towards more than one), I present you with the abilities of the Marvel comics character Bullseye. He can use any object as a deadly weapon and, more importantly, he never misses. With Bullseye’s skill, you should not only be a better goalscorer, but also a better hunter. The bears don’t stand a chance now that you’re Bullseye.

Antoine Vermette, you too are getting a number of opportunities to score that you can’t seem to convert. The difference is I have the feeling one of Fisher’s might go in sometime while you … well, I see you go in on goal and I know with absolute certainty that nothing will happen. You are incapable of finishing a play. For you, a can of Home Depot’s finest polyurethane finish so you can at least finish something.

Chris Kelly, see above re: you getting chances and me having no hope that you can make them count. The problem with you seems to be what I often hear referred to as your “hands of stone.” Stone is a hard substance, and we all know that one of the keys to puckhandling is having soft hands; your gift, therefore, is a bottle of this Soft Hands lotion which I hope might help you. Good luck with that.

“Looking Forward” to Today’s Game

Anton Volchenkov is out after taking a hard Alexander Ovechkin shot to the chest. Brian Lee and Ilya Zubov have been recalled from Binghamton and Alex Auld gets another night off. No word yet on who will sit out to get Zubov into the lineup; Craig Hartsburg said he’ll make that decision before warmups. Hartsburg also said that — brace yourselves — the team has lacked consistency this season.

Ya think?

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