Sens at Land’s End

Watching the last two Senators games, I’ve found myself thinking of one word: why? Why is this team so bad? Why can’t they score? Why am I still watching? Last night’s effort against Washington (a 5-1 loss for Ottawa) was simply pathetic. Wednesday’s game against Chicago (a 2-0 loss) looks better on the scoresheet, but if not for some very unfortunate bounces for the Hawks it could, and no doubt would, have been worse. The Sens looked as though they were playing at half speed. They were generating nothing at all in the way of offense and produced what might actually have been the single worst five-on-three power play of all time in the first period. It was bad even by their standards.

In honour of the team’s wholly sucktacular performances this week, I’ve decided to forego doing game recap posts for the last two games (as Five for Smiting says, my effort level on that will match the team’s). Instead, I will present a few Christmas gifts that I hope might help the team escape this … hmm, I was going to say “slump,” but is it really a slump if they’re just bad? Well, whatever, I present some gifts to help the team in another instalment of …

Christmas for the Sens!

This team has all kinds of problems, but I think it’s safe to say that the main one is their inability to score. They have scored only 63 goals on the entire season, good for last in the NHL. They are ranked 29th in the NHL with a paltry average of 2.33 goals per game, ahead of only the Tampa Bay Lightning (today’s opponent, so that should be exciting). Just to be cruel, I thought I would see what happened if I removed the three games in which the team has scored more than four goals (6-3 over Phoenix, 5-2 over Buffalo, and 5-1 over Atlanta) and recalculate the goals per game. That takes it down to 1.96.

Of course, the bulk of the offense has come from the big three. In fact Dany Heatley and Jason Spezza alone have scored a whopping 41% of the team’s goals (26). Take them away and the goals per game go down to 1.37. Take away Daniel Alfredsson’s 7 goals as well, and we find that the rest of the team has managed to put up a magnificent average of 1.11 goals per game. Which brings me to today’s gifts, which go to three players who are supposed to be alleviating this team’s offensive woes to some degree, and who have seven goals between them. Total.

Mike Fisher, Antoine Vermette, and Chris Kelly

Gifts for us all, really.
First, Mike Fisher. Oh Fish. I have a soft spot for you, I really do. I love you for your speed, your fearless style of play, and that shorthanded breakaway goal you scored against Buffalo during the playoffs two years ago. The flashes of lunatic anger you sometimes show on the ice and your ability to grow incredibly sexy (2007 playoff beard) and very ridiculous (current moustache) facial hair have also endeared you to me. But, really, for the love of the hockey gods, I wish you would score a freaking goal. It’s not for lack of trying. I can see that. Someday, one of those golden opportunities you get is bound to go in. To help you towards that goal (hopefully towards more than one), I present you with the abilities of the Marvel comics character Bullseye. He can use any object as a deadly weapon and, more importantly, he never misses. With Bullseye’s skill, you should not only be a better goalscorer, but also a better hunter. The bears don’t stand a chance now that you’re Bullseye.

Antoine Vermette, you too are getting a number of opportunities to score that you can’t seem to convert. The difference is I have the feeling one of Fisher’s might go in sometime while you … well, I see you go in on goal and I know with absolute certainty that nothing will happen. You are incapable of finishing a play. For you, a can of Home Depot’s finest polyurethane finish so you can at least finish something.

Chris Kelly, see above re: you getting chances and me having no hope that you can make them count. The problem with you seems to be what I often hear referred to as your “hands of stone.” Stone is a hard substance, and we all know that one of the keys to puckhandling is having soft hands; your gift, therefore, is a bottle of this Soft Hands lotion which I hope might help you. Good luck with that.

“Looking Forward” to Today’s Game

Anton Volchenkov is out after taking a hard Alexander Ovechkin shot to the chest. Brian Lee and Ilya Zubov have been recalled from Binghamton and Alex Auld gets another night off. No word yet on who will sit out to get Zubov into the lineup; Craig Hartsburg said he’ll make that decision before warmups. Hartsburg also said that — brace yourselves — the team has lacked consistency this season.

Ya think?

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The Emperor is displeased.
A win today would have vaulted the Sens over the Panthers in the standings and kept them ahead of the Leafs. Apparently, the Sens thought that would just make things too easy.

The Bad Beginning. It was a terrible start for Ottawa as Florida completely dominated the first five minutes of the game, making the Sens look totally pathetic. Throughout the game, the Panthers’ defense seemed to be up and involved in every play. “You’d better be aware of Florida’s backside,” said Gary. It was almost like they were mocking us with their active D.

Now That’s What I Call Crashing the Net. The Sens were very lucky to get the first goal after an interesting effort from Jesse Winchester, Nick Foligno, and Chris Kelly. Winchester stole the puck from a Panthers player near the Florida blueline and gave it to Foligno, who went for a shot on goal. All three forwards went to the net, Winchester actually ending up inside it, and Kelly managed to sweep the puck in. The play was reviewed, but the official called it “a good hockey goal.” Literally, that’s what he said. Whatever they want to call it, it was just nice to see this line — especially Kelly — produce something.

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better! Every time the Sens scored, the Panthers came back with a quick goal. Every time. Their first goal came 3:55 after Kelly’s. Their second goal came 1:20 after Ottawa’s second (a nice one from Dany Heatley off a Florida turnover). Their third goal? 1:38 after Ottawa’s third (scored by the still very hot Jason Spezza — today named the NHL’s third star of the week — standing at the side of the net to get a Daniel Alfredsson rebound). Man, that was annoying.

Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day. I don’t think Alex Auld will want to remember this one. He looked good at times, but was not particularly sharp on any of Florida’s goals. The second goal was flukey: Auld seemed to think he had caught the puck in his glove but it bounced out and the Panthers were able to put it in the net. The overtime goal, scored with just nine seconds to go in the extra period, seemed to freeze him somehow.

Indefensible. Of course, Auld didn’t get a whole lot of help from his buddies who were supposed to be defending him. In fact I’m not so sure they’re still his friends right now. Antoine Vermette failed to clear the puck during a penalty kill to lead to Florida’s third goal (scored by one Jay Bouwmeester). In overtime, it was an attempted blind pass by Filip Kuba that led to the shot that beat Auld.

Power Failure. Ottawa had a 90 second five-on-three power play in the second period and failed to score. I think that’s enough said about that.

All in all, it was a stupid and annoying loss.

On Wednesday, the Sens travel to Chicago to face the Blackhawks, who beat Phoenix 7-1 last night. The Sens will have to be significantly more “on” than they were today if they hope to compete with Jonathan Toews, Patrick Kane, Patrick Sharp, and the rest of the Hawks. The upside for Sens fans, I suppose, is that they get the chance to watch all these young stars play … if they get TSN2, which is the Canadian broadcaster for the game.

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Chris Phillips is excited to receive a present!

Today, we have gifts for two of my personal favourite Senators players, the #1 defensive pairing of Chris Phillips and Anton Volchenkov.

Chris Phillips

Phillips seems to be a genuinely good guy off the ice. We all know the story of how he and his sister cared for their parents as teenagers. Since he came to the NHL, he’s grown strong roots in the community in Ottawa: he’s a family man, married to a local girl, father of (at last count) three young children. He’s active in charities and is one of the longest-serving Sens as well as an alternate captain of the team. On the ice, he’s a rock solid team player and a comforting presence on the blueline. When I see Chris Phillips, I feel like no one is going to mess with the Sens, and everything’s going to be okay. In honour of his strength, stability, and general down-to-earthness, I thought it would be appropriate to get him an old-growth tree, so I went to Stanley Park and cut one down. Just kidding! I would never do such a thing. Instead, I will find a random tree and name it after him. This will be a largely symbolic gesture since I will likely be the only person to acknowledge the tree’s name, but I hope he’ll appreciate the thought.

Phillips has also been nicknamed the Big Rig. That is why I’ve decided to get him his very own semi and, to go along with it, a trucker hat, so he can drive his family around the nation’s capital in style. If I had cut down a tree for him, I could transport it cross country to Ottawa in his semi. But I have not.

Anton Volchenkov

Volchenkov pretty much epitomizes awesomeness. He’s so awesome that Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer, and Superman all wear Anton Volchenkov pyjamas. He’s totally fearless and seems to thrive on pain. His dedication during last year’s playoffs, when he wanted to come back into a game after taking a puck to the face even though his head was so swollen that they couldn’t get a helmet to fit him — you just can’t replace something like that. Volchenkov eagerly blocks shots that would have most of us down on the ground crying like babies. And then he gets back up. “I’ve had worse,” I imagine him saying, much like the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, which is why I thought the A-Train should have this awesome talking Black Knight plushie. Its limbs are removable, and when you take them off the Knight says things like “‘Tis but a scratch!” and “Just a flesh wound!” It is, in essence, a tiny Volchenkov with velcro-attached limbs and an English accent. I also spotted this “Give Blood, Play Hockey” shirt at Roots. I think it’s very him. Plus, it matches the new black jerseys.

Merry Christmas, Phillichenkov! You rule!

Shout Out to: Roy Mlakar

Perusing the Sun this morning, I happened to notice this little item:

Sun Media has learned that Senators president Roy Mlakar will propose to the NHL board of governors at their meeting tomorrow in Palm Beach, Fla., that the NHL look at a Nov. 15 drop-dead date for UFAs to sign or have to sit out the season. Mlakar confirmed he will table the item and has the backing of Ottawa GM Bryan Murray. “For planning purposes and to restrict bidding wars, it just makes sense,” said Mlakar. A league executive with another Eastern Conference team said he would back the idea as well, but says “it would be a tough change to make without approval from the NHLPA.”

I think this is a great idea and I’m happy to see the Sens being the ones to bring it up. Could their motivation possibly be a bit of anti-Ducks bitterness? If so, I approve.

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Alex Auld sits by his Christmas tree.

Christmas is less than three weeks away and I’ve been thinking: I wonder what sort of thing the Sens would like for Christmas. What could I, as a fan, get for the players that would show them how I feel about them? In the spirit of the holidays, I’ve decided to go with that train of thought for a series of posts I’m calling …

Christmas for the Sens!

Pretty creative title, don’t you think?

We’ll start with the last line of defense, a man who has been something of an unexpected gift to Sens fans himself.

Alex Auld

When Alex Auld signed with Ottawa, I figured we were getting a nice backup goalie. Someone who maybe wasn’t going to make a huge impact, but who at least wouldn’t drive us all insane. He’s turned out to be so much more than that. Sure, we’re only a quarter of the way through the season or so and we have no idea if he can keep this up, but to this point I think Auld can be described fairly and without hyperbole as amazingly brilliantly wonderfully fantastically awesometacular. He has surpassed anyone’s wildest expectations, probably including his own. And he has brought hope to an entire generation of Sens fans, who thought they would be stuck with crappy goaltending forever. Today, during the Sens-Pens game, he made a big save to prevent the Penguins from tying it up during the last two minutes of play. I can’t remember the last time I saw a Sens goalie do something like that. It looks like — I’m sorry, I’m getting a little emotional. But it looks like we might actually have … a good goalie. I’m going to pause here while you let that feeling wash over you.

And we’re back. Really, the only person other than Auld who can bring on these kind of warm, fuzzy, despair-free feelings is that other great icon of hope, Barack Obama. So, I thought: what could be a more appropriate gift for Auld than this lovely Barack Obama “Hope” poster? Nothing. But I’m also throwing in this snazzy Ottawa Senators logo necktie I made, which symbolizes the fact that, thanks to him, the Sens no longer have to resort to playing a tie in goal because one of their goalies is such a prima donna that he doesn’t show up for practice. Have a great Christmas, Auldinator. You deserve it.

Alex Auld’s Backup

For this individual, who is no doubt a great guy if possibly a substandard goalie, I have a gift in three parts:

• An Obus Form back rest, to prevent him from getting the kind of neck pain I always get when I’ve been spending too much time sitting on my ass watching hockey.
• A portable DVD player, so he’ll have something to do on the bench.
• Some DVDs, so he’ll have something to watch on his portable DVD player: The X-Files: Ultimate Collection, a 61-DVD box set containing all nine seasons of The X-Files and the first X-Files movie; the newly-released movie The X-Files: I Want to Believe; and all four seasons of Lost (I have pre-ordered season four). It’s the ultimate in mind-bending, what the hell just happened? television. This gift will keep him not just entertained, but also perpetually confused. He’ll spend practice time wondering why Locke’s father was in the magic box and where the fluke man came from in the first place, which will prevent him from dwelling on the fact that he never gets to play anymore. I think he’ll like that.

Backup goalie, I hope you have a wonderful holiday season.

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Oh, curling. I enjoy watching curling at certain times. Interestingly, those certain times do not include times when the Sens game is supposed to be on my TV and the online stream of the game isn’t working. I hate the CBC.

Once the game did start up, we found that Chris Neil (as expected) and Alexandre Picard had returned to the Sens’ lineup. Christoph Schubert was a healthy scratch while Dean McAmmond is apparently still sick. The Sens came out with a very solid effort today, outshooting Pittsburgh 31-19 overall. The last two minutes or so were incredibly stressful as the Penguins were all over the place in Ottawa’s end trying for the tying goal, but it all worked out in the end. I thought the Sens looked strong in pretty much every aspect of the game, a couple of players in particular.

Hats for Giggles! Jason Spezza scored his second career hat trick today with three nice goals. On the first, he managed to get Penguins goalie Dany Sabourin to come completely out of his net before scoring on a wraparound. The second came off a very nice behind the net feed from Daniel Alfredsson. The third was a bit flukey: Spezza, standing behind the net, put the puck off Kris Letang’s skate and the back of Sabourin’s pad, into the net. After the game, Spezza said: “That was a pass with a good bounce … Heater was actually open in front, so it woulda went either way.” Despite the dubious grammar, I thought that was a good line. Spezza also took a massive hit from Brooks Orpik in the second period which saw him end up horizontal against the boards, his chest hitting the side of the first pane of glass after the players’ bench. I don’t know what that thing is called, but I’m sure glad it’s padded. The hit didn’t seem to faze Spezza, though: he got up afterwards with a big smile on his face.

Captain Awesome. Alfie had an excellent game today. He just seemed to be everywhere and doing all the little things that make him Alfie especially well. At one point he was surrounded by four Penguins in their zone, unable to touch the puck because it had been hit with a high stick, but he protected the puck with his body as it rolled towards the goal, not letting any of the Pens touch it, and Sabourin eventually had to freeze it for a faceoff. In the second period, he blocked a shot with his leg and appeared to be injured: he went off the ice without putting any weight on the leg and had to have two people help him to the dressing room. I started to panic, but he was back within a few minutes to set up Spezza for goal #2. It should also be noted that the blocked shot led directly to Spezza’s first goal. He got a big cheer from the crowd at Scotiabank Place for a diving play he made to bat a puck away from the Penguins with his hand (he was without a stick at the time), and again later when he walked up to Evgeni Malkin and took the puck away from him before Malkin even knew what was happening. Oh sure, these fancy young Penguins are pretty good. But Alfie is a wily veteran.

The Bell Tolls For Thee. Big whoopsy by Brendan Bell on a Sens power play in the third period. He turned the puck over at the Sens’ blueline and then really took his time getting back into the play as the Penguins went in on a two-on-one. Bell failed to catch up to Malkin, and Malkin scored a shorthanded goal. Not very impressive for a guy who’s trying to stick with the big team.

Crosby Moment. First, I don’t know if it’s the Sens and their now quite thick moustaches contributing to this, but I found I couldn’t see Crosby’s face today without thinking about his delightful playoff beard from last season. No matter how hard I tried. Second, Sidney, I wish you would mind your temper. Going all Bob Clarke on Heatley’s leg? Not appropriate. We need that leg, Sid. We really, really need it.

Next up: Jacques Martin’s Florida Panthers visit Ottawa for a 7:30 matchup (4:30 if you live far, far away) on Monday and we all consider how Jay Bouwmeester might fit in on the Ottawa blueline.

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