Sens at Land’s End

I woke up this morning to find out that the Senators have fired coach Craig Hartsburg. It’s a move that makes total sense. Consider the following: this team has been terrible

• with and without Wade Redden, Andrej Meszaros, and Joe Corvo;
• with and without Ray Emery, that other goalie, Alex Auld, and Brian Elliott;
• under John Paddock, the second coming of Bryan Murray, and Hartsburg.

It is quite clear that Hartsburg is the problem. Thank goodness they got rid of that black hole of suck before he dragged the whole team down with him. (I’m pretty sure Anton Volchenkov and Shean Donovan are still good.)

Hartsburg’s replacement is Binghamton Senators head coach Cory Clouston.

There is no doubt whatsoever in my mind that bringing in Clouston will miraculously solve all the team’s problems, but just in case it doesn’t — it will, but just in case — I’m thinking ahead. Here are five more random changes the Sens management can make to get the team back on track and salvage the unsalvageable, aka their season:

1. Trade Daniel Alfredsson to Tampa for Gary Roberts. Roberts has a lower cap hit than Alfie and everyone knows he’s exactly the type of grizzled leader this team needs.
2. Make Jason Smith the first line centre and put Jason Spezza on defence. This will not only take care of the need for a puck-moving defenceman, it will also add some grit to the first line. Dany Heatley will have to be more creative on offence since he will be working with a centre who is incapable of handling the puck; the move will be similarly beneficial to Spezza’s defence partner.
3. The Blue Jackets have placed The Other Alexandre Picard on waivers. The Sens should pick him up and rotate him and The Original Alexandre Picard in and out of the lineup for alternating games. This is the only way to determine whether the problem is with the players themselves or their names. If the problems persist regardless of which Picard is in the lineup, all players will have to change their names legally.
4. Doctor game video to ensure that the league credits all Ottawa goals to Antoine Vermette. Assuming the Sens manage to score at least 20 goals before the deadline, Vermette’s trade value will be somewhat inflated and the team may be able to convince a desperate team to give up its first round pick for him.
5. Butter up Carrie Underwood. Have her ask Mike Fisher to demand a trade to Nashville. (Sidenote: if Mike and Carrie should marry, Carrie will reasonably be able to claim she was in Star Wars.) Ask the Predators for Radek Bonk. Get Tampa to throw Vaclav Prospal in on the Alfie for Roberts deal and bring back the original Sens jerseys and hey, it’ll be like 1998 all over again.

Though really, it feels more like 1996. That was the last time Ottawa was the biggest joke in the NHL.