Sens at Land’s End

The results of my first round predictions were pretty good. While I only picked one series (Anaheim vs. San Jose) exactly correctly, I managed to pick the winners of six of the eight series. The only ones I missed were Detroit and Pittsburgh, and those didn’t surprise me. Radiohead correctly predicted every winner in the Eastern Conference but were somewhat less impressive in the West: they picked San Jose and were non-committal on the Columbus vs. Detroit series.

I will now put my record on the line by attempting to guess which teams will move on to the Conference Finals. Rather than predicting a number of games for each series, I’m going to make the potentially daring move of declaring here that all these series will go six games and predicting some other random details about the series below.

I’ve given Radiohead a holiday for this one. Instead, I chose a random yet sort of related song to represent each team and paired the songs to create series playlists on my trusty psychic iPod. I then played each playlist up to seven times on shuffle, counting the first song picked as a win for the team the song represents. I continued this for each series until one team’s song had been picked four times, indicating that the team in question would win four games and therefore the series.

Eastern Conference

(1) Boston Bruins vs. (6) Carolina Hurricanes: The Hurricanes have some momentum from their crazy game seven victory against New Jersey — which I hope you all watched, because it was pretty incredible — but I doubt they have enough energy to carry them through an entire series against the well-rested Bruins, who I believe are simply the superior team

My Prediction: The teams will split the first two games in Boston, but the Bruins will pick up steam as it goes and eventually take the series. Carolina will fail to score a single power play goal.

iPod Prediction: Bruins in 6. We have “The Bear” by The Tragically Hip to represent the Bruins, and “Wild is the Wind” by Nina Simone to represent the Canes. The iPod has the Bruins winning games 1, 3, 4, and 6.

(2) Washington Capitals vs. (4) Pittsburgh Penguins: The Caps’ rookie goaltender Simeon Varlamov looked pretty good against the Rangers, which was good news for Washington. The bad news is that New York’s offence is pathetic and the Penguins will be a whole new kind of test for him. As much as I hate to say so, I think the Pens will win this without too much trouble. By the way, the NHL would like you to note that this series features a couple of pretty good players.

My Prediction: Evgeni Malkin will use his wizard powers to triumph in the battle of the superstars and lead both teams in scoring as the Pens take out the Caps. It will be impossible for TV stations to go more than six minutes without showing one or both of Crosby and Ovechkin on camera.

iPod Prediction: The Penguins (Manhattan Rhythm Kings, “Happy Feet”) beat the Capitals (Mogwai, “Ratts of the Capital”) in 6. The Pens take games 1, 2, 4, and 6.

Western Conference

(2) Detroit Red Wings vs. (8) Anaheim Ducks: Clearly, I was wrong to think Detroit’s experience wouldn’t be a huge factor against the Jackets in the first round. But that was Columbus, and Anaheim may be the only team that can match the Red Wings for playoff experience. They did to San Jose what Detroit did to Columbus. Their victory in that series was impressive and, despite the Sharks’ habit of choking, I’d have to say it was a bigger accomplishment than the Red Wings beating the Blue Jackets. One thing that will be interesting to keep an eye on in this series is the penalties. Both teams have great power plays, but they don’t appear to be as evenly matched on the penalty kill. The Ducks, who were the second most penalized team in the regular season, did a great job of shutting down the Sharks’ power play (with help from the Sharks). The Red Wings, who generally don’t take a huge number of penalties, managed only a 76.9% penalty kill against the Jackets — the Jackets, team of the league worst 12.7% regular season power play — in round one. Goaltending is obviously another thing to watch. Chris Osgood was much less sucktacular against Columbus than he was during the regular season, but can he keep it up against Anaheim’s stronger offence? What about Jonas Hiller? Is he for real? How does he feel about having Tomas Holmstrom’s big hockey butt (TM Kelly Hrudey) in his face for 20 minutes a night?

My Prediction: Hiller won’t feel great about the Holmstrom thing, but he’ll feel good enough to keep the Wings’ offensive production fairly low (with help from Anaheim’s deep defence). Osgood will return to form in the bad way. Teemu Selanne will flash back to 2007 and pick up his game enough to ensure that he haunts the Wings’ dreams for another year. The Ducks advance to the Western Final.

iPod Prediction: “The Big Three Killed My Baby” by Detroit natives The White Stripes represents the Red Wings; “Rubber Ducky” by Ernie from Sesame Street is the Ducks’ song. My iPod sees the Wings losing games 1 and 4, but coming back for victories in games 2, 3, 5, and 6 to win this series in 6 games.

(3) Vancouver Canucks vs. (4) Chicago Blackhawks: Roberto Luongo played exceptionally well in round one against St. Louis. Nikolai Khabibulin had a great first round series too, but he’s very very old. Advantage: Luongo. He seems like a man on a mission right now, as do Canucks players like Alex Burrows and the Sedin twins. As good as the Blackhawks looked against Calgary, it must be said that the Flames looked equally bad and were already kinda defeated going in.

My Prediction: Luongo will have two shutouts as Vancouver wins the series. The Canucks will play a very physical type of game, and the series will feature at least one brawl brought on by a big hit on one of Chicago’s star players.

iPod Prediction: For Chicago, it’s Sufjan Stevens’ “The Black Hawk War, or, How to Demolish an Entire Civilization and Still Feel Good About Yourself in the Morning, or, We Apologize for the Inconvenience but You’re Going to Have to Leave Now, or, ‘I Have Fought the Big Knives and Will Continue to Fight Them Until They Are Off Our Lands!’” For Vancouver, “Hobo Humpin’ Slobo Babe” by Whale (because their logo is a whale, mmkay). The Canucks will lose the first two games, but win games 3, 4, and 5 en route to a (presumably dramatic) 7 game series win.

Sens Watch

Let’s all take a moment to mentally punch Christoph Schubert in the face for allegedly breaking Anton Volchenkov. SCHUBERT!! WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?

Now that we’ve got that out of our system, let’s pat Jason Spezza on the head: he’s currently third in tournament scoring with seven points in Canada’s first three games. Keep it up, Spezz. I hear there might be an opening on the Olympic team.