Sens at Land’s End

Oh hey, I think I recognize this Cup Final. That’s … awesome.

Last year, I rooted for Detroit. I didn’t hate them the way I hated the Penguins at that point, but things change. In this year’s first round I watched the Wings beat out my second favourite team, and I developed a pretty strong rage against them. Seeing them lift the Cup again is right up there with seeing Sidney Crosby and the Penguins lift the Cup on my list of things I’d like to do.

This raises the question: who the heck do I even root for here? Which of these can be considered the lesser evil? I can’t really see any pros for either team, so I’ve broken it down into cons to try to determine which scenario is less objectionable.

Cons of Red Wings Winning

• Increased talk of dynasty from Wings fans and hockey commentators. Annoying.
• Boring. At least if the Pens win some new people (including Evgeni Malkin, and I do like him) get Cup rings.

Cons of Penguins Winning

• Crosbycrosbycrosbycrosbycrosby. It’ll get even worse, if that’s possible. Mitigating factor: hearing about how Crosby lost the Final two years in a row might end up being just as bad.
• Gloating from Pens fans, who are generally already pretty obnoxious.

Hmm. What to do. After thinking it through, I believe I have to (shudder) support the Penguins. The Crosby thing will continue to be irritating no matter what happens so I can’t give too much weight to that. It was funny watching Pens fans cry last year, but hey, they cried last year. Why not spread the wealth? It’ll be just as hilarious, perhaps even more so, to watch Wings fans cry this year.

Now, who do I actually think will win? I’m cautiously optimistic about the Penguins’ chances. The Wings appear to be losing parts all over the place. Nick Lidstrom will play tonight, but you have to wonder what kind of shape he’s in. Granted, even a Lidstrom at 50% is still pretty good, but he’s not quite Lidstrom and I don’t know that I think he can keep up with Crosby and Malkin. It’s all well and good to talk about the Wings’ depth at forward, but Pavel Datsyuk (who hasn’t been a factor these playoffs anyway) is hurt. Kris Draper is hurt. Marian Hossa has had only three or four good games this postseason. Tomas Holmstrom has been almost invisible and Henrik Zetterberg hasn’t exactly lit up the boxscores. There’s Johan Franzen and Dan Cleary and that’s about it. The Red Wings were almost taken out by the Ducks, a team with one hobbly line and lots of playoff experience. Put them up against the Penguins, who were there last year, who have started scoring in bushels, and who don’t seem to be suffering too much with injuries, and I’m not sure about their odds. Penguins in 6.

Eric and Jordan Staal star in “Boyfight 2009: Boys on Ice.”

Ah, the Eastern Conference Final, also known as The Series Even Sidney Crosby Couldn’t Bring to NBC. On the surface, this does appear to be a bit less interesting than the Chicago-Detroit series. But when I took a deeper look at it to find storylines I’ll be keeping an eye on, I found that, actually, I am almost as uninterested in it as the US TV people are. A few things that did grab my notice:

Sod Off. Eric and Jordan Staal are brothers. (I know, I was surprised too.) Eric plays for the Carolina Hurricanes. Jordan plays for the Pittsburgh Penguins. Which means they’ll be trying to destroy each other during this round of the playoffs. Perhaps this really is the year when we finally figure out who’s dad’s favourite. Let’s take a look at the numbers:

• Eric: born 1984, 6′4,” 205lbs, drafted 2nd overall in 2003, owner of one Stanley Cup ring, 9G 4A 13P in 14GP these playoffs. The Canes have not lost a game in this postseason where Eric has scored a goal: he has goals in seven of their eight wins.
• Jordan: born 1988, 6′4,” 220lbs, drafted 2nd overall in 2006, appeared in one Stanley Cup Final, 2G 3A 5P in 13GP these playoffs. The Pens are undefeated when Jordan scores in this postseason. Yep, they won both games. Let’s hope for his sake that Father Staal doesn’t base his love on offensive production.

My Gut Prefers: I have always found Eric to be the cutest Staal, and his 2009 playoff stats are much more impressive than Jordan’s. Plus, there’s the fact that I hate the Penguins and their stupid faces.

Who Do We Hate More? And that raises an interesting question: as a Sens fan, which of these teams do I have more reason to despise? Well, let’s see. The Hurricanes have Emo Joe Corvo, former Senator and current Sens Killer, on their roster, along with Scott Walker, the guy who headbutted Mike Fisher and caused the tragic loss of his front tooth. In their favour, they’ve also got Patrick Eaves, who is a good friend of Hugo Alfredsson, and Jarkko and Mikko Ruutu’s little brother Tuomo. The Penguins swept the Sens in the first round last year. I feel like they still haven’t been properly punished for that. I’m also still bitter about that time Tyler Kennedy scored in overtime and beat the Sens in Sweden. My Gut Prefers: Joe Corvo is obnoxious, but even he isn’t nearly obnoxious enough to match the combined obnoxiousness of the entire Penguins roster.

Is There Anyone on the Penguins Who Isn’t Totally Obnoxious? Yes. Evgeni Malkin is good. I can’t really claim to have a “favourite player” in this series, but if I did it would probably be Malkin. My Gut Likes Malkin: Because he’s a good player, he looks a bit like Shrek, and repeated reading of the Harry Potter books has me convinced he secretly has magical powers.

Other Than Hating the Penguins, Is There a Compelling Reason to Root for Carolina? Not really. They already won the Cup in 2006. Do they really need another one? No, I don’t think so. They have an insanely loud fanbase at their arena in Raleigh, but they seem to have a smaller and less vocal online presence than the Penguins do so I imagine we’d be subjected to less gloating if they won this series. That’s always a plus. They’ve also had an improbable run in these playoffs and it could be exciting to see that continue. Despite the unappealing nature of the two teams involved, it’s possible that the “Cardiac Canes” could make this a very special series indeed. My Gut Prefers: I hate the Penguins enough that I really don’t think I need a more compelling reason to root for Carolina.

Prediction: If only me rooting for a team had some impact on their ability to win. Then the Sens would win the Cup every year and the world would just be a better place. Penguins in six.

Nick Lidstrom and his clones take on Jonathan Toews and his chops.

Round three is upon us, and my picks to win round two did not fare very well: only Pittsburgh made it through. With that in mind, I’ve decided to throw actual hockey analysis mostly to the wind and let my gut instinct take over when I make my predictions.

First up, the Western Conference Final, featuring the Detroit Red Wings and the Chicago Blackhawks in a Winter Classic rematch. (Come to think of it, the Penguins played in the Winter Classic last season before winning the Eastern Conference. How do we go about getting the Sens involved in one of these outdoor games?) A few of the things I’ll be watching in the series:

The Captains. Jonathan Toews turned 21 on April 29. A day earlier, Nicklas Lidstrom turned 39. Toews is a young star in the league who endeared himself to Canadians with his shootout heroics during the 2007 World Juniors. Lidstrom has won the Norris Trophy six times and is one of the best defencemen ever to play in the NHL. Aside from being great hockey players, they both also seem like pretty good guys. Lidstrom has a beautiful family, complete with four blond sons who look exactly like a set of those nested Russian dolls. Toews can’t compete with that any more than he can with Lidstrom’s lengthy list of hockey accomplishments. He does, however, have stunning dark brown eyes, plus he’s grown an excellent set of mutton chops in place of a playoff beard. This is strangely impressive. My Gut Prefers: Gotta go with Captain Sideburns. They’re fascinating!

Crease Foul Ahead. Detroit’s Tomas Holmstrom has become famous for sticking his ass in goalies’ faces. Johan Franzen does the same thing, and Dan Cleary also made his presence felt in Jonas Hiller’s crease a couple of times during the Detroit-Anaheim series, most notably in game five. This borderline goaltender interference is not my favourite tactic. No, I think it’s underhanded, dirty, cheap, whatever you want to call it. But the Wings, despite their reputation as a “skill team,” apparently can’t score without doing it, so they keep it up. Well, they could be about to get a sweet taste of their own medicine in the form of Dustin Byfuglien, who was so much in Roberto Luongo’s space in round two that some Canucks fans are crying conspiracy. I’m guessing they won’t like it much. I’m also guessing this series will be fairly nasty. My Gut Prefers: Neither. Goalie interference sucks. It would be a little bit satisfying to see the Wings get hoist with their own petard, though, so I call it a slight advantage to Chicago.

I Remember You. Ah yes, Martin Havlat, the NHL’s version of Mr. Glass, and Marian Hossa, Sidney Crosby’s version of Judas, Brutus, Benedict Arnold, Saruman the White, Fredo Corleone, Anakin Skywalker, Peter Pettigrew, Cypher from The Matrix, and whatever other famous traitors you can think of. Two very familiar faces to Ottawa fans. Hossa has four goals in the 2009 playoffs; unfortunately, he scored two of them in game four against Columbus and two more in game four against Anaheim, and is goalless in Detroit’s other nine games. But watch out for him in game four, Nikolai Khabibulin! Havlat is having a somewhat more productive postseason: with 13 points in 12 games played, he’s Chicago’s leading playoff scorer. I have no beef against either of these guys and am happy to see either one do well. For a Sens fan torn about who to cheer for in this series, picking your favourite could be a way to break the tie. My Gut Prefers: I was a big Hossa fan, but I like feeling that we won the trade with Atlanta. My mom loves Havlat and he’s been great so far. Chicago.

The Desert vs. THE DYNASTY. In case you didn’t know, the Red Wings have won four Stanley Cups in the last 15 years. If you’ve ever spoken to a Red Wings fan, chances are you were already very much aware of this fact. The Blackhawks, on the other hand, own the longest Cup drought in the NHL. The second longest belongs to the Leafs. If you are a Senators fan, chances are you were aware of this fact as well. You can probably also put two and two together and realize that a Hawks Cup win this year would make the Leafs the team that has gone the longest without sipping from Lord Stanley’s Mug. Leafs fans could no longer say, “at least we’re not Chicago.” That’s something I think most Sens fans can get behind. My Gut Prefers: My gut really likes telling the Leafs to suck it. My gut says Chicago.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T. That whole respect your elders thing we all learn about? It seems no one ever taught the Blackhawks that lesson. Just ask Jarome Iginla and the Flames. Don’t look for the Hawks to be intimidated by the Wings’ bountiful playoff experience; do look for the Wings at least to be mindful of how well the Hawks have played to this point, if not actually to respect it. My Gut Prefers: It prefers the Blackhawks. I hate to see their youthful enthusiasm crushed by the mean old Red Wings …

Prediction: … but I fear that’s exactly what’s going to happen en route to a Wings victory in the series. It’s boring, but there you have it. Wings in six.