Sens at Land’s End

Eric and Jordan Staal star in “Boyfight 2009: Boys on Ice.”

Ah, the Eastern Conference Final, also known as The Series Even Sidney Crosby Couldn’t Bring to NBC. On the surface, this does appear to be a bit less interesting than the Chicago-Detroit series. But when I took a deeper look at it to find storylines I’ll be keeping an eye on, I found that, actually, I am almost as uninterested in it as the US TV people are. A few things that did grab my notice:

Sod Off. Eric and Jordan Staal are brothers. (I know, I was surprised too.) Eric plays for the Carolina Hurricanes. Jordan plays for the Pittsburgh Penguins. Which means they’ll be trying to destroy each other during this round of the playoffs. Perhaps this really is the year when we finally figure out who’s dad’s favourite. Let’s take a look at the numbers:

• Eric: born 1984, 6′4,” 205lbs, drafted 2nd overall in 2003, owner of one Stanley Cup ring, 9G 4A 13P in 14GP these playoffs. The Canes have not lost a game in this postseason where Eric has scored a goal: he has goals in seven of their eight wins.
• Jordan: born 1988, 6′4,” 220lbs, drafted 2nd overall in 2006, appeared in one Stanley Cup Final, 2G 3A 5P in 13GP these playoffs. The Pens are undefeated when Jordan scores in this postseason. Yep, they won both games. Let’s hope for his sake that Father Staal doesn’t base his love on offensive production.

My Gut Prefers: I have always found Eric to be the cutest Staal, and his 2009 playoff stats are much more impressive than Jordan’s. Plus, there’s the fact that I hate the Penguins and their stupid faces.

Who Do We Hate More? And that raises an interesting question: as a Sens fan, which of these teams do I have more reason to despise? Well, let’s see. The Hurricanes have Emo Joe Corvo, former Senator and current Sens Killer, on their roster, along with Scott Walker, the guy who headbutted Mike Fisher and caused the tragic loss of his front tooth. In their favour, they’ve also got Patrick Eaves, who is a good friend of Hugo Alfredsson, and Jarkko and Mikko Ruutu’s little brother Tuomo. The Penguins swept the Sens in the first round last year. I feel like they still haven’t been properly punished for that. I’m also still bitter about that time Tyler Kennedy scored in overtime and beat the Sens in Sweden. My Gut Prefers: Joe Corvo is obnoxious, but even he isn’t nearly obnoxious enough to match the combined obnoxiousness of the entire Penguins roster.

Is There Anyone on the Penguins Who Isn’t Totally Obnoxious? Yes. Evgeni Malkin is good. I can’t really claim to have a “favourite player” in this series, but if I did it would probably be Malkin. My Gut Likes Malkin: Because he’s a good player, he looks a bit like Shrek, and repeated reading of the Harry Potter books has me convinced he secretly has magical powers.

Other Than Hating the Penguins, Is There a Compelling Reason to Root for Carolina? Not really. They already won the Cup in 2006. Do they really need another one? No, I don’t think so. They have an insanely loud fanbase at their arena in Raleigh, but they seem to have a smaller and less vocal online presence than the Penguins do so I imagine we’d be subjected to less gloating if they won this series. That’s always a plus. They’ve also had an improbable run in these playoffs and it could be exciting to see that continue. Despite the unappealing nature of the two teams involved, it’s possible that the “Cardiac Canes” could make this a very special series indeed. My Gut Prefers: I hate the Penguins enough that I really don’t think I need a more compelling reason to root for Carolina.

Prediction: If only me rooting for a team had some impact on their ability to win. Then the Sens would win the Cup every year and the world would just be a better place. Penguins in six.