Sens at Land’s End

I didn’t have the best week last week. I sprained my ankle and couldn’t walk without crutches for a few days. It was the last week of classes so I had schoolwork to do. The Penguins won the Cup. My new job is possibly the most boring job I’ve ever had.

Plus there was that little matter of my favourite hockey player demanding a trade. I admit I didn’t take the news very well. Perhaps it was the stress of all that other stuff building up. Whatever the cause, I felt somewhat emotional. Being unable to move around much, I spent a good portion of the week getting my frustrations out by listening to sad/angry music on my iPod.

And you know, I was feeling better. It was helping. That is, until I saw SLC’s post a few minutes ago, and then read the Citizen article he linked to. Now the rage is back in a big way. At this point, I don’t even care what his side of the story is. If it was compelling, maybe he’d tell us. He hasn’t spoken, so I’m forced to assume he’s as much of a jerk as he appears to be.

Fortunately, I still have my iPod and I’ve been constructive in my rage so I also have the playlist I’ve created about this situation. This playlist chronicles the emotional journey of a Sens fan (specifically, me) in the wake of Dany Heatley’s trade demand. I started off feeling very confused and bewildered, then moved into a terrible cycle of rage and sadness before coming to the recognition that, actually, he’s douche. I’ve named my playlist “Screw You, Heater: An Ex-Fanmix.” It’s got 15 tracks dedicated to the fact that #15 is an ass, and I hope you will enjoy reading about it.

15 Step (Radiohead)
Album: In Rainbows
You used to be alright, what happened?
Did the cat get your tongue?
Did your string come undone?
Phase one of fan reaction as #15 steps away: WTF? Seriously? WTF? Also, why won’t you talk to us? Total media silence on the subject isn’t exactly helping your case, buddy. [ YouTube ]

You Oughta Know (Alanis Morissette)
Album: Jagged Little Pill
And every time you speak her name does she know how you told me you’d hold me until you died?
But you’re still alive
And I’m here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair to deny me of the cross I bear
That you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
Phase two: emotional turmoil, veering between rage and sadness. This is a long phase. And this song by Ottawa native Alanis Morissette might just be the angriest song ever rumoured to have been written about a former Sens player. Ignoring the sexual element of the lyrics (if you can), the song captures the moment in which the fan realizes just how badly she’s getting screwed over here as the player in question moves on to something supposedly better. She’s really pissed off about it. [ YouTube ]

Sugar (Tori Amos)
Album: To Venus and Back
Cold war with little boys
Get in with a last bubblegum trade …
Sweet boy when they find you out
Tell me what you think they’ll do
When they find you got a little in here
Tell me what you think they’ll do
When they find you out, when they find you out
Find out you’re just a pussy
More rage. Tori says she wrote this song about a boy who couldn’t remember how many sugars she took in her tea. My interpretation is that it’s about how stupid little things like that build up and snowball, and mountains get made out of molehills and really dumb fights ensue. As far as I can tell, that must be what happened here. Also, I do think he’s a pussy. [ YouTube ]

What Goes Around …/… Comes Around Interlude (Justin Timberlake)
Album: FutureSex/LoveSound
Is this the way it’s really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should’ve known better when you came around
That you were gonna make me cry
Disbelief, sadness, bitterness, and a desire for karmic justice from the reigning male master of angry heartbreak songs. What comes around in this case? How about a team that puts him on waivers when he refuses to waive his no trade clause in a couple of years and he ends up getting claimed by the Islanders? Sounds good. [ YouTube ]

Promises Promises (The Cooper Temple Clause)
Album: Kick Up the Fire, and Let the Flames Break Loose
Well just go, go back to your bright lights
You made promises you couldn’t keep
What’s that, Dany? You no longer want to be held to the long-term contract you signed a couple of years ago? The contract that made you the highest-paid player in the league this season? The one you insisted on a longer term for? The one with the no movement clause? How about you take a long walk off a short pier? That should get you out of the contract. [ YouTube ]

Blue Orchid (The White Stripes)
Album: Get Behind Me Satan
How dare you?
How old are you now, anyway? …
You’re given a flower
But I guess that there’s just no pleasing you
Ask for a letter, get a letter. Not good enough. Want more. Throw tantrum. Stomp off. 28-year-old man or petulant child? You be the judge. [ YouTube ]

Undone – The Sweater Song (Weezer)
Album: Weezer (Blue Album)
If you want to destroy my sweater
Pull this thread as I walk away
Watch me unravel, I’ll soon be naked
Lying on the floor, I come undone
Angst for all those fans who just realized they now have to buy new jerseys. [ YouTube ]

Train in Vain (The Clash)
Album: London Calling
Did you stand by me?
No, not at all
Did you stand by me?
No way
No, as soon as you encountered some adversity, you were on the first private jet out of town. You asswipe. [ YouTube ]

You Don’t Care About Us (Placebo)
Album: Without You I’m Nothing
You’re at the wrong place, you’re on the back page
You’re in the getaway car
You don’t care about us, oh oh
You don’t care about us, oh oh
You don’t care about us, oh oh
You don’t care about us
If Heatley ever does make a statement about all this, and if that statement contains any variation on the words “I respect/care for/enjoyed/like/love the fans/community/team in Ottawa,” I will lose my mind. My brain will explode from the level of B.S. it’s just been exposed to, and I will charge my medical bills to one D. Heatley. [ YouTube ]

Who the F***? (PJ Harvey)
Album: Uh Huh Her
Who, who, who, who?
F***, f***, f*** you
Phase three: recognition of douchebaggery. You know what, guy? I’m done moping. You can take your contract and your 50 goals and stick ‘em where the sun don’t shine. [ YouTube ]

A Punch Up at a Wedding (No No No No No No No No) (Radiohead)
Album: Hail to the Thief
I don’t know why you bother
Nothing’s ever good enough for you
I was there, it wasn’t like that
You’ve come here just to start a fight
You had to piss on our parade
You had to shred our big day
You had to ruin it for all concerned
Yeah, okay. The team has sucked for a while now. But if this guy really thinks he’s not part of the suckiness then he’s fooling himself. We finally got a coach who seems to know what he’s doing and you’d think that would be a positive development, but oh no, Mr. Me Me Me didn’t get as much icetime as he’d like and he’s got to bring the spotlight back to himself and make sure we all know it. Here’s hoping Chris Neil punches him in the face at Jason Spezza’s now potentially awkward wedding reception. [ YouTube ]

In the Springtime of His Voodoo (Tori Amos)
Album: Boys for Pele
You gotta owe something sometimes
You gotta owe, boys
When you’re your mama’s sunshine
You’ve got to give something sometimes
When you’re the sweetest cherry in an apple pie
I need some voodoo on these prunes
You’d like to think the guy who is probably your most talented player would occasionally put the team first, especially when he promised to take a leadership role. But you’d be wrong. Sometimes, people who seem full of promise can leave you feeling a little unsatisfied. [ YouTube ]

Paper Bag (Fiona Apple)
Album: When the Pawn …
I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy
Yep, sometimes that guy who looks like the superstar who can help carry your team is just an empty paper shell. [ YouTube ]

Song for the Dumped (Ben Folds Five)
Album: Whatever and Ever Amen
So you wanted to take a break
Slow it down some and have some space
Well f*** you too
Give me my money back
Give me my money back, you bitch
I want my money back
All $10 million. And how ’bout a refund on cap space for last season, too, so we could have used it to sign some players who weren’t complete tools? [ YouTube ]

I Will Survive (Cake)
Album: Fashion Nugget
Oh now go, walk out the door
Just turn around now
You’re not welcome anymore
Weren’t you the one who tried to break me with desire?
Did you think I’d crumble?
Did you think I’d lay down and die?
Oh no, not I
I will survive
The final phase: recovery. Recognition that things will be okay and our strength only increases without your cap hit holding us back. You want out? Get out. We don’t need you, we’re better off without you, and we will be just fine. But we still reserve the right to boo you like you were Yashin every time you’re in town. Dick. [ YouTube ]