Sens at Land's End

So, I think it’s fair to say that the Vancouver Olympics are not going well. Everywhere you look, there’s some kind of delay or technical problem. I’m starting to wonder if the organizing committee spent all its time shopping at Lululemon and drinking expensive coffee instead of actually, like, organizing stuff.

People always say Canadians are so polite and love to apologize for things, and the fact is: this is our bad. We seem to have messed up. And even though Vancouver completely excluded my home province of Ontario from their “cross-country” tribute to Canada in the opening ceremonies and I could easily distance myself from the whole debacle, I’m going to be Canadian and stand by my countrymen by helping them apologize for their incompetence.

Opening Apology

We’re sorry we made you watch a kid flying around over a fake wheat field for five minutes. We’re sorry about the whole hydraulic cauldron fail thing. Finally, we’re really, really sorry we inflicted a Bryan Adams/Nelly Furtado duet on you and dragged out Sarah Mclachlan again. It could have been worse, though — at least she didn’t sing that I Will Remember You song (she’s probably saving it for the closing ceremonies) and at least she wasn’t Celine Dion.

Wet Apology

We’re sorry Vancouver has failed to live up to Canada’s reputation as a barren, icy wasteland. Really, though, this one’s at least partially on the IOC. They probably should have picked up on the fact that Vancouver tends to have warm, rainy winters before awarding the city the Winter Olympics.

Non-Zambonic Apology

We’re sorry the “Olympia machine” at the Richmond Oval is apparently a giant piece of crap. You’d think we’d be able to get that right, wouldn’t you? Weather delays are out of anyone’s control, but you would really think it’d be possible to avoid delays at an indoor venue. Apparently, not so much.

Luge Apology

The death of Georgia luger Nodar Kumaritashvili was an absolute tragedy and my heart goes out to the Georgian Olympic team and the entire luge community. Which is why I’m so disgusted by the comments from Canada’s luge coach, Wolfgang Staudinger. World, we’re sorry our luge coach is such an insensitive, heartless prick. Please note that this man is actually German. (Just like Dany Heatley!)

Pants Apology

We’re really freaking sorry Nate Holland of the USA snowboarding team doesn’t like our snowboarding pants or our “own the podium” slogan. Oh wait, no we’re not. How’s the view from fourth place, Nate?

Attitude Apology

We’re sorry for my previous statement. There’s nothing wrong with finishing fourth. Although, if you do try to force someone from another country off the course to benefit yourself and your teammate, you should probably be prepared for a karmic bitcshlap of some kind. Like, say, a big wipeout.

Fashion Apology

We’re sorry our speed skating outfits look so weird. They gave the contract to The Bay for some reason when we all know Roots does a much nicer job.

Advance Apology

We’re sorry in advance to whichever country has one of its hockey players’ brains scrambled by Chris Pronger. Lord knows he won’t apologize for it himself. Honestly, we don’t like him much either.

Moguls Mogul Apology

We’re sorry former Canadian and moguls skier Dale Begg-Smith is such a douchebag. Yeah, he was born and raised in Canada and he might actually be responsible for some of the spyware on your computer. We feel bad about that.

But we probably feel worse about the fact that this guy hates us so much that he may be trying to rob us of our best moment at the games so far. Australia, it’s your turn to apologize now, though I know you’re also not his biggest fans.

And, uh, I know I said I’m sticking with my countrymen on this one and everything, but I just want to note that I don’t live in Vancouver anymore, so … totally not my fault. I’m over 3,500 km away. Nothing I can do. Really.