Today’s game featuring the Senators and the New York Rangers is a matinee: a noon start for those of us living where the mountains meet the ocean. Other notable facts about today’s game:

• This will be Wade Redden’s first regular season game in Ottawa since leaving the Sens.
• The Sens will be “back in black,” as they unveil their new black third jerseys to the world. With their new moustaches also in tow, the Sens should look like a particularly silly scary biker gang on skates.
• Members of the Ottawa Bloggers Collective will, for the first time ever, attempt a joint live game blog. Confirmed participants include Dany Heatley Speedwagon and Sherry of Scarlett Ice, Al from Hockeyschlock, The Universal Cynic, and myself. No word yet from Senators Lost Cojones — he may still be in his rage coma after last game. Head over to this post at Scarlett Ice if you feel like joining the fun! Well … hopefully it’ll be fun. Go Sens!

I have plenty of schoolwork I could be doing, but there’s just so much hockey today. I’m giving a look to the first period of the Canucks-Penguins game, then obviously the Sens game, then I’ll watch the Blue Jackets — quickly becoming my second favourite team — take on the Thrashers, and then perhaps Detroit-Calgary or Washington-San Jose.

Ahhh, Saturday.

Edit: Wow … less than a minute into the first at Vancouver-Pittsburgh and there’s already been a line brawl after Matt Cooke put a low hit on Alexander Edler. ‘Tis clearly a good day for hockey.

In case you missed it, the Montreal Canadiens — “the class of the Eastern Conference” — lost 6-3 to those lowly Toronto Maple Leafs last night. (I say lowly, but don’t look now, Sens fans: they’re ahead of our guys in the standings again!) The Leafs outshot the Habs 41-20 in the game. Montreal coach Guy Carbonneau was not happy at all with his team’s effort, calling it “the most embarrassing game I’ve ever been associated with.”

A terrible loss to an inferior team that is also a bitter rival. An angry coach. Two days off to let it simmer before their next game. Man, I would hate to be the poor suckers who have to play the Habs next!

… crap.

Searching for reasons to be optimistic, I come up with the following: the Habs may be without Tom Kostopoulos on Tuesday, as the NHL is considering disciplinary action over a nasty hit he laid on Toronto’s Mike Van Ryn in the first period. Van Ryn will miss time with a concussion, a broken nose, and a broken bone in his hand. What is it about Van Ryn that makes people want to hit him so hard? Is he really irritating? No doubt the loss of Kostopoulos and his two points on the season will be a crushing blow to the Canadiens.

Also, Montreal has been having penalty trouble lately. The article I cited above says they’ve been shorthanded 38 times in their last five games. The Sens’ power play is still ranked fourth in the NHL; if they can get it going then they might be in good shape.

And then there’s always the slim chance that this loss to the Leafs, rather than causing the Habs to turn themselves around, could be the game that sends them completely off the rails. They fall apart, and the Sens are there to capitalize. I’m hoping for that.

Rumour! Speculation! Innuendo!

Bruce Garrioch has an article in the Sun today detailing a few possible trade scenarios which may or may not involve the Sens: Atlanta could want to move goalie Kari Lehtonen; the Panthers might want Antoine Vermette in return for Jay Bouwmeester (poor Vermette — the annual trade rumour circus is in town already); Mattias Ohlund could be leaving Vancouver. I’m not sure what to think of the Ohlund rumours. Ohlund is the longest-serving Canuck and he has a no trade clause, but Darren Dreger also reported this story on TSN this week, which somehow gives it more credibility.

Another tidbit from the same article: just when we thought he was gone for good, Ray Emery has returned to Ottawa for a visit. But I’m sure his influence couldn’t possibly be so toxic that he’d cause a team he isn’t even part of anymore to lose its mojo simply by coming in contact with some of the players. That seems a bit much, even for Mr. Locker Room Cancer.

Would you vote for a toothless man?

I was discussing DC-area sports teams and the US election with a friend last night, so naturally, I showed her the above photo of Alex Ovechkin. Upon seeing the picture, her response was: “His tooth … I mean … that’s not real, right?”

I was shocked. To me, the gap-toothed look is as synonymous with hockey players as hair worn in buns is with librarians or Princess Leia. The other day, I was Google image searching for pictures of the players on one of my fantasy teams (I have some really boring classes this semester) and I was finding gap-displaying pictures of guys I’d never realized were in the toothless crowd. I started to wonder how many players in the league are actually covering up their dentally challenged status with falsies. It must be a dilemma for them. On the one hand, lost teeth almost seem like a form of street cred for hockey players; on the other hand, missing teeth in normal society, unless you are eight years old, is perhaps not considered to be a mark of class and good breeding. When was the last time you saw a politician or a movie star flaunting his missing tooth? (I’ll tell you: it was in 1994 when Jim Carrey had a cap removed for Dumb & Dumber. Chris Cooper’s missing teeth in Adaptation? Fake.)

Then again, hockey players are quite possibly the only adults who have a decent shot at making toothlessness as a fashion statement look good. Their job gives them a little leeway in this area: we don’t actually expect them to have good teeth, so we’re not shocked when they have dental issues that would seem severely disturbing on anyone else. In fact, the toothless smile of the hockey player often takes on a certain charm. As Keanu Reeves once said, “chicks dig scars.”

But is this statement universally true? I think it’s fair to say that some players pull off the lost tooth look better than others. In the interest of science, I am now going to undertake a survey to determine which players should invest in some dentures, and which should stick with the teeth God gave them and hockey took away. Today, we will take a look at the man who prompted the whole discussion in the first place.

Exhibit A: Alexander Ovechkin

On the left, a young, pristine Ovechkin. On the right, Ovechkin after three seasons of hard living in the NHL.

Tooth Story: Ovechkin managed to live 21 full years with all his teeth in tact. It wasn’t until the Caps’ 2007-2008 season opener against Atlanta that a stick to the face broke his front tooth. The tooth was not completely knocked out, but the leftover piece was removed after the game and Ovechkin has yet to replace it. Totally unsubstantiated rumour has it that the team dentist has raised the issue of fixing the tooth several times, but Ovechkin always mysteriously disappears when an opportunity to do so arises. Could it be that Alexander the Great has a fear of dentists? Maybe, but he might also just like the look.

Dentalysis: If he is just sticking with toothlessness because he thinks he looks good, he’s quite right to do so. The lack of tooth complements Ovechkin’s joyful, childlike, and puckish (ohhhh … no pun intended, it’s just the perfect word for him) personality very well (as did that red tie and vest combination he wore at the NHL Awards this year — see photo). It also lends an extra touch to the unkempt style he’s got going with his scruffy hair and ever-present stubble. And let’s face it, it’s not like losing his tooth spoiled his beauty anyway: Ovechkin is not blessed with a traditionally handsome face and much of his sex appeal — which I promise you he does have — comes from his charisma. The gap does not detract from that quality; in fact, it even adds to it by making his face more interesting.

Verdict: Keep avoiding the dentist, Ovie. Get on your Segway and ride far, far away.

Man, I am really tired of this no hockey thing August has going on, know what I mean? It just sucks. Could there be any less to do? Could I be any more bored? Hmm … well, probably, yes. But still, things would seem much less lame if there were a Sens game on TV tonight.

When I’m bored and there’s no hockey in sight, I read lots of different hockey blogs. A few of them have come up with some good ways to make this nightmarish hockeyless month pass more quickly. Sherry at Scarlett Ice, who like me is feeling the pain of no hockey, has started working on a 100 things about me meme, which makes for very interesting reading. I had no idea Sherry was so multi-talented! Meanwhile, Puck Daddy has announced the winners of the “Gary Bettman: Portraits in Heroism” contest. If you have some time to kill (and who doesn’t?), I strongly suggest checking out the Flickr gallery of all 231 entries, which not only is hilarious, but also serves as a great demonstration of just how overdone the whole Dark Knight “Why So Serious?” thing has become.

Puck Daddy has also got a series going called “5 Ways I’d Change the NHL,” in which they ask various people to describe, you guessed it, five changes they’d make to the NHL. My personal favourite suggestion comes from Will Leitch:

1. Hockey players should no longer be allowed to wear helmets. As all casual observers of the sport know, hockey players are impervious to pain. But their faces are still able to be damaged; teeth destroyed, eyes knocked out of their socket, noses flattened. And yet they will keep coming. This will help us train our master class of human to take on the Terminators during the upcoming cyborg apocalypse.

Yes! Anything that will give humanity a chance to survive the inevitable conflict with artificially intelligent beings (which all the science fiction movies and TV shows I watch assure me is coming any day now) gets my vote.

Inspired partly by Puck Daddy, I’ve come up with my own take on this concept. It happens to be something I’ve spent a bit of time thinking about. You see, I am a daydreamer, and when I’ve finished reading hockey blogs and there’s still no hockey in sight, that is when I start to drift off into my own imaginary land. When I daydream, I sometimes create elaborate scenarios that place myself at the centre of the universe in some way. Elaborate scenarios such as …

If I Ran the NHL

Picture a world where Gary Bettman is no longer NHL commissioner and the board of governors has, for some reason, decided that I, Meaghan, humble blogger and huge hockey fan, shall be appointed Supreme Ruler over the league. All my decisions will become law without any debate. I have total control and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Luckily, I’m a pretty benevolent dictator on the whole, even if I do show a disgusting amount of bias towards a certain team, and it’s generally agreed that my changes make the league much better. I am also invulnerable, which means Anton Volchenkov and I will likely be humanity’s last hope when the machines attack. (He’ll be like a Russian John Connor, and I’ll be like Neo from The Matrix.) It also means that even if there were disgruntled owners and GMs they couldn’t assassinate me, so I really am Supreme Ruler for Life. The National Hockey League changes its name to Meaghan’s Hockey League and I am given my choice of season ticket seats in every league arena. It’s awesome. (Bettman is now working as the home team’s penalty box door opening guy in Anaheim.)

“How did this come to pass?” you might ask. That is a story for another time. For now, here is the first major change I would make in taking the shoddy, somewhat run-down NHL, polishing it up, and turning it into the wonderful, wildly successful, crowd-pleasing MHL.

First Order of Business: Contraction and Re-realignment

I don’t think anyone could argue that the NHL’s current divisional and conference setup makes any sense. The Northwest division covers a vast geographic area and has teams in three different timezones. Detroit and Columbus are the only two Eastern timezone teams stuck in the Western Conference, where they play all their roadgames — except the ones against each other — in timezones different than their own. Dallas, despite being nowhere near the west coast, finds itself in the Pacific Division, while Vancouver, which is in fact right on the west coast, is not in the Pacific Division. It is bizarre.

The problem is the lack of teams in the western US. 21 of the NHL’s 30 teams are east of Dallas. One solution might be to expand into more western markets, but the MHL’s most glorious leader feels that the league already has too many teams, some of which are not very good, and some of which always seem to play in half-empty arenas.

With these considerations in mind, the MHL will make the following changes to its roster of teams:

• Six teams from the former National Hockey League will be shut down, effective immediately. These six teams are the Atlanta Thrashers, Carolina Hurricanes, Florida Panthers, Nashville Predators, New York Islanders, and Tampa Bay Lightning. The remaining teams will have the option of taking on players from these teams at their current salaries in the MHL’s Contraction Draft (format to be announced). Southeast Division teams, it’s nothing personal. You simply don’t fit in with my vision. Nashville, we all know you weren’t going to last anyway. New York, in your case, it is personal. You annoy me, and I see no point to your continued existence.
• The Phoenix Coyotes will return to the city of Winnipeg and resume playing as the Jets. All Phoenix players and personnel will move with the team. Pack your bags and get ready for that prairie winter, boys!

The remaining 24 teams will be divided, as in the old NHL, into a Western Conference and an Eastern Conference, each of which has three divisions. The Western Conference divisions have been arranged in an attempt to minimize the amount of time teams spend travelling to different timezones:

Pacific Division
Anaheim Ducks
Los Angeles Kings
San Jose Sharks
Vancouver Canucks

Mountain Division
Calgary Flames
Colorado Avalanche
Edmonton Oilers
Winnipeg Jets (I know, there are no mountains in Winnipeg. But it’s the best I could do.)

Central Division
Chicago Blackhawks
Dallas Stars
Minnesota Wild
St. Louis Blues

The Eastern Conference divisions are based mostly on geography:

Northeast Division
Buffalo Sabres
Montreal Canadiens
Ottawa Senators
Toronto Maple Leafs

Atlantic Division
Boston Bruins
New Jersey Devils
New York Rangers
Washington Capitals

Midwest Division
Columbus Blue Jackets
Detroit Red Wings
Philadelphia Flyers
Pittsburgh Penguins

I expect to receive an effusive thank you letter and possibly a large gift of some kind from the Red Wings’ and Blue Jackets’ owners later today.

MHL teams will play a 74 game schedule. Each team will meet each other team in its division 3 times at home and 3 times on the road (18 games). Each team will also play each team from the other divisions in its conference twice at home and twice on the road (32 games). Finally, every team will play each team in the other conference twice a season, once each at home and on the road (24 games).

At the conclusion of the 74 game regular season, the top eight teams in each conference will advance to the playoffs, which will use the same format as the NHL playoffs: four rounds of best-of-seven series. Division winners are guaranteed to make the playoffs as they were in the NHL; however, they will not automatically be ranked 1-2-3 in the conference. Instead, the division winners and the other top five point-getting teams will be ranked 1-8 according to their point totals.*

Wow. I feel better already just looking at the new lineup! Big changes, I know, but there are so many benefits to this new setup. No more Southleast jokes. More in-timezone road games for Western teams should mean higher TV ratings, which might translate to more media attention and increased fan support for teams like Chicago and Columbus. Having Sidney Crosby in town three times a season can also only help the Blue Jackets’ attendance numbers. The two most boring teams in the league are now hidden away in the same division, which, okay, is painful for Rangers and Caps fans, but really good for the rest of us. There will be a lot of pressure on Alex Ovechkin to offset the dull, but I think he can handle it. Best of all, Winnipeg has its team back and we can all stop worrying about that Jets megafan friend we have who’s been verging on suicidal since 1996. Newly suicidal obsessive Coyotes fans, we haven’t forgotten you! An employee of the Anaheim Ducks will personally pay to relocate you all to Winnipeg with the team if you so choose. That’s what things are like in the MHL. We care about hockey fans.**

*The lone exception to this rule is the Ottawa Senators who, should they win the Northeast Division, will have the option of choosing their own position within the top 4 in order to secure the most favourable first round opponent (or mess with another top 4 team).

**Except Thrashers, Canes, Panthers, Preds, Lightning, and Isles fans. Sorry.