My post takes the same format as it did last year: my own predictions, followed by the predictions of my trusty psychic iPod, via one of my favourite musicians. (If you doubt my iPod’s powers, by the way, I would note that it accurately predicted Jarome Iginla’s two-goal performance against Germany at the Olympics as well as Canada’s win over Russia.) Last year, my iPod spoke to me through the songs of Radiohead. This year, I decided to use Tori Amos, whose often cryptic lyrics proved a bit challenging to interpret.

Eastern Conference

(1) Washington Capitals vs. (8) Montreal Canadiens: Oh look, the Habs are the hopelessly overmatched eighth seed. Just like last year! Jaroslav Halak may be able to keep Montreal in this thing to a certain extent, but let’s be realistic. The Caps were the highest scoring team in the league this year. The Habs were 26th. The Caps had the best power play in the league by a fairly wide margin (25.2% — second place was, in fact, Montreal with 21.8%). There’s only so much one goaltender can do. Washington has a better recent record (6-1-3) than Montreal (3-4-3) does, so momentum is on the Caps’ side too. It just doesn’t look good for the Habs.

My Prediction: Caps in 4. Ovie will destroy you.

iPod Prediction: “She’s Your Cocaine,” which is about a person so overwhelmed by another person that he has basically no control over his own actions, with the lyric “we all like to watch, so shimmy once and do it again” being the song’s equivalent of shooting at someone’s feet and telling them to dance. “Bring your sister if you can’t handle it,” the song’s narrator says mockingly; I presume this is a cruel taunt Alex Ovechkin and co. might throw at the Habs as they make them their whipping boys. This one forecasts a rout.

(2) New Jersey Devils vs. (7) Philadelphia Flyers: Although the offensive numbers favour the Flyers here and Philly collected 10 points to New Jersey’s three in the season series between these two teams, the  Devils finished first in the NHL in goals against this season (surprise, surprise) and they’ve been the better team since the Olympic break. Then there’s the goaltending matchup: it’s (arguably — and your argument would be pretty strong) the greatest goaltender in the history of the game against … some guy who isn’t even Ray Emery or Michael Leighton. Okay, okay, Brian Boucher did win 11 playoff games 10 years ago, which is pretty good, but the fact remains that he’s taking on Martin Brodeur. And yes, fine, Marty wasn’t so great at the Olympics, and he didn’t exactly look like himself when he and the Devils were melting down against the Canes last season. But he’s still Marty. If I have to choose between Marty and Brian Boucher in a seven-game series, I choose Marty.

My Prediction: Devils in 6. I was tempted to say Devils in 5, but the memory of that Devils-Canes series last year is still too fresh and the Flyers actually do have a good team in there somewhere. Remember, people were picking them to win the Cup at the beginning of the season.

iPod Prediction: Tori comes up with one of her most well-known songs in “Cornflake Girl.” The songs has perhaps some of her more incomprehensible lyrics, but also features one of her most epic piano solos. A great demonstration of seemingly effortless virtuosity from a mistress of her craft? We’ll take this as a tip of the hat to Marty. The dismissive end of song refrain — “And the man with the golden gun thinks he knows so much, thinks he knows so much” — could be Marty thumbing his nose at the Flyers’ offensive players. (Come on, it’s obvious she’s talking about Jeff Carter.) “Rabbit, where’d you put the keys girl?” is about … clearly points to … I got nothing.

(3) Buffalo Sabres vs. (6) Boston Bruins: The Bruins finished second in the NHL in goals against this season. Unhappily for them, that’s not much of an advantage in this series as Sabres were fourth in that category. To me, the key number for this series is 2.39. That’s the average number of goals the Bruins scored per game this season. Which brings me to the other key number in this series: 30. 30 is not only the rank of the Bruins’ offence in the NHL this season, but also the number worn by Ryan Miller, who, in case you missed it, has had a pretty good year.

My Prediction: Sabres in 6.

iPod Prediction: Coincidentally, “Pretty Good Year” is another Tori song; however, it’s not the one the iPod sent me for this series. Instead I got “Mrs. Jesus,” and who could this refer to but Ryan Miller, the American hockey messiah? “There’s someone always paging my Mrs. Jesus” — whether it’s Team USA or the Sabres, someone is always counting on Miller’s incredibly slight shoulders to carry all their weighty expectations. Instead of just focusing on the current series against Boston, this song appears to me to predict a second round loss to New Jersey: Miller will perform his “walking on the water bit, by far my favourite one” against Boston and lead the Sabres “up the stairs” to “heaven,” but there they’ll find only the “empty arms that come with the morning star,” a clear reference to Lucifer and by extension of course the New Jersey Devils.

(4) Pittsburgh Penguins vs. (5) Ottawa Senators: The only series I really care about, and I’ve given my complete thoughts on it here. Don Cherry said he thinks it’ll be a great one, and I hope he’s right. If the Good Sens show up — a big if — then this might end up being one of the more interesting first round matchups.

My Prediction: Penguins in 7. Sorry, Sens. If this comes to pass, I will be crushed. Any time your team loses in game 7 is obviously crushing. Still, I would be extremely happy with the Sens for the season they put together.

iPod Prediction: “Talula,” which includes the line “What you want is in the blood, Senators.” Repeated twice. Okay, yes, it’s a reference to the crucifixion, but whatever. SHE SAID SENATORS, and she said it in a way that, to me anyway, suggests they have the level of desire needed to win this thing. That has to be a good sign! The song also mentions Russians dying on the ice. Since Alex Kovalev already “died,” this must indicate a possible injury to Evgeni Malkin, Sergei Gonchar, or Anton Volchenkov (yeesh, I hope not). Other than that, the song is about having something precious you don’t want to lose, like maybe the title of Stanley Cup Champions … or an outstanding shot-blocking defenceman. (Nooooooooo!) The song also references the executioner who cut off Anne Boleyn’s head, Big Bird, and Mary Magdalene. Make of this what you will, but since the song says Senators and not Penguins, I’m saying the iPod likes the Sens.

Western Conference

(1) San Jose Sharks vs. (8) Colorado Avalanche: There just isn’t much to favour the Avs in this one. After a great start to the season they faded away, playing sub-.500 hockey after the Olympics. The Sharks, meanwhile, won eight of their last 10 games. I was scoreboard watching yesterday, hoping the Blackhawks and Kings would both win so the Sharks would end up having to play the Wings, which I’m sure would have brought on another chokefest. Alas, the Blackhawks couldn’t quite pull it off. The Coyotes get Detroit, and the Sharks get what should be an easy win even for them. Then again, I also predicted that Colorado would finish dead last in the West this year.

My Prediction: Sharks in 4. Don’t worry, fellow Heater haters, I’m sure they’ll blow it in round 2.

iPod Prediction: “Wednesday,” a happy-go-lucky little song about meandering about not doing much of anything. Then suddenly you get this nagging sense that there’s something you should be focused on. Hmm. What could it be? What could it be. I can’t quite put my finger … OH RIGHT, THE PLAYOFFS! Oh crap, you mean we’ve been eliminated already? Hi, Sharks. This one’s for you. iPod likes the Avs.

(2) Chicago Blackhawks vs. (7) Nashville Predators: To be fair, I should note that I think I only watched one Predators game this season (when they played the Sens, naturally) so I’m not at all familiar with them. Just looking at the numbers, though, the Blackhawks are significantly better than the Preds in offence, defence, and special teams. Nashville has put together a very solid run since the Olympic break, but then so has Chicago. The Hawks also have last year’s experience of making it to the conference final under their belts.

My Prediction: Blackhawks in 6, because 6 is my default prediction when I truly have no clue.

iPod Prediction: “Northern Lad,” quite a sad song about a lost love with a northern lad who doesn’t come around much anymore. It’s one of my favourite Tori tunes, but I’m not sure how it applies here. Both teams have a few “northern lads” on their rosters, especially if you assume any Canadian boy could be considered a northern lad. In the end, I think I have to take this as a vote for Nashville. Chicago is further north than Nashville, plus the song mentions sugar cane, which leads to Patrick Kane. So there you go.

(3) Vancouver Canucks vs. (6) Los Angeles Kings: The Canucks, featuring Art Ross Trophy winner Henrik Sedin, have the second most potent offence in the NHL this season after Washington. Not too shabby. They also have Roberto Luongo, who has been somewhat inconsistent since coming back from the Olympics. One of his worst performances, when he gave up 8 goals on 29 shots on a night when the Canucks could have clinched a playoff spot with a win, happened against none other than the Kings. Still, I think Vancouver has some big expectations this season and I just can’t see them blowing it in the first round. Vancouver’s bad night aside, LA seems to have been struggling to win games for the last little while, plus they’re a young team that hasn’t been in the playoffs since 2002.

My Prediction: Canucks in 6. Just a gut feeling.

iPod Prediction: “Riot Poof.” More appropriate for Montreal. Rimshot! Well actually, this song is about a person who “breaks the terror or the urban spell” and makes a primal discovery about himself which allows him to “blossom.” Do either the Canucks or the Kings seem prepared to do this? I don’t know, but perhaps Roberto Luongo can be said to have crossed some kind of barrier at the Olympics, when he was able to succeed in an extremely high pressure situation. Maybe the reason he’s been so inconsistent ever since is that he just wants to get back to that place. Maybe the playoffs are the arena he needs. The end of the song references a desert and the warming sun, no doubt meaning that Los Angeles is where Roberto must go to rediscover this higher plane of existence.

And that is probably my best song interpretation ever.

(4) Phoenix Coyotes vs. (5) Detroit Red Wings: I think it’s fair to say not many people thought the Coyotes would do as well as they have this season. Their record post-Olympics is 13-4-2 and they have a lot of momentum right now. Unfortunately for them, as hot as they’ve been lately, the Red Wings have been even hotter (16-3-2 since the Olympics, 8-1-1 in their last 10 games). There’s also the fact that the Red Wings are, like, the Red Wings? It’s one of those annoying, inescapable facts, like death and taxes.

My Prediction: Red Wings in 6. Much like the Sens, the Coyotes can count even making the playoffs as a big success.

iPod Prediction: “Sweet Dreams,” a song which begins by asking the question: who’s your daddy? It’s an anti-George W. Bush  tune from back when Bush was relevant (”Land of Liberty, we’re run by a constipated man”). Since we’re talking about the Coyotes, however — a team “owned by Gary Bettman,” as Puck Daddy says — I think a different interpretation is appropriate. “Go on, go on, go on and dream” of playoff success in the sunbelt, Mr. Bettman, but whether you want to admit it or not, “your house is on fire.” And your tenant has to play the Red Wings.

I’m not going to attempt a full season preview or prediction post. Why? Because it’s pointless. Some wildcard scenario no one anticipated always comes into play during the season. Players get hurt. Teams collapse or overperform for no apparent reason. This year, the Olympics will act as a major x-factor: some teams may suffer from Olympic fatigue, while other teams could benefit greatly from it.

So, instead of doing predictions, I’ll point out what I think are the most interesting stories going into the season.

Western Conference

Yawn: The Avalanche will be utterly terrible. The Red Wings will overcome obstacles such as Chris Osgood sucking and team-wide Olympic fatigue to win the Central Division for the 600th straight year. The Sharks will act out the same old story — regular season dominance, playoff choke — but this time with 100% more douchebag on their roster.

No Comment: Los Angeles Kings, Minnesota Wild, Nashville Predators, Phoenix Coyotes, St. Louis Blues. A lack of knowledge prevents me from saying anything useful.

Interesting Stories

Calgary Flames – Miikka Kiprusoff hasn’t played fewer than 74 games in a season since before the lockout. If he starts for Finland in the Olympics, which seems very possible, he’ll risk burnout come playoff time. Unfortunately, the Flames always play terribly in front of backup Curtis McElhinney, who had a 1-6 record last season. They may want to work on that. More questions: is Dion Phaneuf really any good? Is Olli Jokinen actually a locker room cancer? Can Darryl Sutter do a better job of cap management so the team isn’t left having to play with a short bench in crucial late season games? Early indications on the last thing would suggest not.

Edmonton Oilers – It will be interesting to see if new head coach Pat Quinn can get this team on track. He and goaltender Nikolai Khabibulin are the biggest unknowns here. Khabibulin shocked many in 2008-2009 with his great performance for the Blackhawks, who put him on waivers early in the season only to watch him step in and save their bacon after Cristobal Huet flamed out later on. But Khabibulin isn’t getting any younger.

Vancouver Canucks – The Canucks are my pick to win the Northwest; however, no other team will be as affected by the Olympics as they are. With the tournament taking place in their home building, the Canucks will be banished from Vancouver for all of February and half of March, embarking on an epic six-week, 14-game road trip to accommodate the games. There’s also the question of what kind of impact the Olympics will have on Roberto Luongo. If Luongo is named Canada’s starting goaltender, he will face a ton of pressure as well as some extra wear and tear. If he is not named Canada’s starter, that could have a psychological impact (either crushing or motivating) on him as well.

Chicago Blackhawks – The Blackhawks can be summed up in a few talking points: promising young team; questionable goaltending (and there’s no bacon-saving Khabibulin waiting in the wings this season); injuries to Marian Hossa and Adam Burish; Patrick Kane beat up a cab driver; Patrick Sharp is hot; cap issues next offseason. They should make it interesting for the Red Wings this season, but I’m not sure they have enough to catch them.

Columbus Blue Jackets – My other men will, I am sure, continue to impress in 09-10. Steve Mason will suffer no sophomore slump. Derick Brassard will definitely not get injured again. Nikita Filatov will score 30 goals and win the Calder Trophy (unless Erik Karlsson does). Rick Nash will tear it up at the Olympics but, because he eats such healthy food, will never feel even remotely tired. Everything will be perfect, and the team will not only make the playoffs again, but this time actually win a game — nay, a round! In all seriousness: the Jackets haven’t made major changes this offseason but if Brassard makes a strong comeback and Antoine Vermette continues to click with his not-so-new team, then the best additions to the team might come from within. A lot depends on whether Mason keeps up the form he showed last season. If he does, and if no major disasters occur, the Jackets could do very well.

Anaheim Ducks – The Ducks’ first line of Corey Perry, Ryan Getzlaf, and Bobby Ryan is exciting to watch and Randy Carlyle is an excellent coach, but there are several areas of uncertainty for the team going foward. They’ll have an intriguing goaltending battle between highly-paid veteran Jean-Sebastien Giguere and youthful playoff sensation Jonas Hiller. I’m also interested to see if/how Ryan Whitney and/or James Wisniewski will step up to fill the departed Chris Pronger’s freakishly big shoes. Other question marks include Getzlaf’s recovery from offseason surgery; the advancing age of Teemu Selanne and Scott Niedermayer; and the chance that Ryan goes through some kind of second year jinx. Several Ducks (including Niedermayer, Getzlaf, Selanne, Saku Koivu, and possibly Whitney, Perry, and Ryan) also seem likely to go to the Olympics, which may prevent them from duplicating their awesome finish to last season. Still, I think this should be another good year in Anaheim.

Dallas Stars – The Stars’ total failure last season was definitely the most shocking underachievement of the year to my mind. They looked so impressive in the 2008 playoffs, but then Brenden Morrow got hurt, Marty Turco sucked, and Sean Avery apparently messed up their chemistry so badly that they never recovered. Avery is gone, Morrow is back, and they’ve got a capable backup for Turco in the form of Alex Auld, which, according to my Stars fan friend, is all Turco really needed. My feeling is that they should rebound.

Eastern Conference

Yawn: Even if the Bruins don’t perform up to last year’s standard, they will win the Northeast due to a lack of competition. The Islanders will suck. The Devils and the Penguins will make the playoffs. The Rangers will finish near the middle of the pack.

No Comment: Atlanta Thrashers, Carolina Hurricanes, Florida Panthers, Tampa Bay Lightning. Sorry Southeast Division, I just don’t know you that well.

Interesting Stories

Washington Capitals – The Caps are always interesting if only because of Alex Ovechkin. This year, the development of young goalie Semyon Varlamov (and the fate of Jose Theodore) will also be something to keep an eye on.

Philadelphia Flyers – The Broad Street Bullies trading for Chris Pronger this offseason seemed like fate: at last, Pronger and his flying elbows are with the team he was always meant to play for. Watch your heads, Penguins. Also watch your backs, because on paper this is an excellent team. I think they’ll win the Atlantic Division, partly because the Penguins will be tired thanks to two long playoff runs and Olympic appearances for some of their important players, and partly because the Flyers should just be that good. They may even finish first in the East. Goaltending is a question mark: will Ray Emery’s return to the NHL be triumphant or disastrous? Philly’s defense is so solid that it may not matter that much.

The Northeast Division other than the Bruins – Boston is the clear alpha wolf in this pack; everyone else is pretty much a complete wildcard. The Habs have undergone a coaching change (welcome back to the Northeast, Jacques Martin) and a massive amount of roster change. The Leafs, in case you haven’t heard, are now very truculent and expect to compensate for a lack of goalscoring by doing violence to their opponents. The Sabres are still the Sabres, which means they could finish anywhere from 4th to 14th depending on injuries, Ryan Miller, and luck.

Which brings me to those confounding Ottawa Senators. We’ve watched them play on an extreme rollercoaster-esque cycle for the last few years: down in 2006, up in 2007, down in 2008. (It’s unfortunate that this pattern seems to follow the calendar year rather than the hockey season, but that’s the Sens for you.) They were on a definite upswing after Cory Clouston took over in early 2009. A major question now is: can Clouston keep it going — and will the team be able to pull off a full season of good play? There are, of course, many other questions. Will Alex Kovalev perform well? Will Jonathan Cheechoo actually produce 20 goals? How will Kovalev, Cheechoo, and Milan Michalek fit into the lineup? Peter Regin, Erik Karlsson, and Matt Carkner have all made the team: will they continue the play that got them there? Will Mike Fisher be productive on the wing? Is the defense any good? Can Pascal Leclaire stay healthy?

That’s a lot of questions. It seems too much to hope that everything will work out, so I’m not expecting much from this team. That said, I don’t know that the Sens are as bad as many people would have us believe. Certainly, the team’s depth at forward is much improved over last year. I also think Clouston was doing something right, and I see no reason to think he’ll suddenly become an awful coach. A full season playing under his system should benefit the team. The bottom line for me is that the Sens are no more or less of an unknown quantity than either of their fellow eastern Canadian teams, yet it seems more prognosticators are forecasting positive things for Toronto and/or Montreal than for Ottawa. In Puck Daddy’s staff prediction post this morning, for example, no one had the Sens placing higher than the Habs and only two of five posters guessed they’d finish ahead of the Leafs. Personally, I wouldn’t be too surprised if Ottawa did better than both Montreal and Toronto. I also wouldn’t die of shock if this team happened to squeak into the playoffs.

It’s the NHL: anything can happen.

Photo taken moments before the Stanley Cup crushed a ravenous Sidney Crosby.

With the Pittsburgh Penguins’ victory in game seven last night, the 2008-2009 NHL season has come to a close. It seems appropriate at this time to look back at the highlights of the year.

There was the Blue Jackets getting their first ever playoff berth. That was nice. They immediately got stomped on by the Red Wings, but still.

From a Sens perspective, there was the hiring of Cory Clouston. Of course, to get to that point we had to live through the crapitude of the Hartsburg era, and in getting a coach who can apparently make our team win we lost the source of about 20% of our offense. But hey, I’m sure it’ll be worth it. Another plus: we no longer have a Swiss goaltender. We now have a (gimpy) French Canadian waiting in the wings instead. That seems like an improvement. Other than that, let’s see … well … I guess … the team … won some games?

Take heart, Sens fans. The season from hell is done. It’s finally over. And the future looks … um.

Maybe don’t think about hockey for a while.

I have a feeling the Penguins might pull off the first away win of the series this evening. I encountered the number 87 at work today and spotted a post about some cute baby penguins headed for a zoo exhibit called the “Power Play Zone” while I was reading blogs this morning. Those seem like omens to me.

I’ve been wrong before, though, so I thought I’d consult my trusty psychic iPod for the last time this season and see if it could give me any insight on who might win game seven. Since Tori Amos provided me with my musical message for Mr. I Totally Know How to Quit You in a previous post, I looked to her library for the answer to this important question. The song I was given was “i i e e e.” Unless one team has been committing human sacrifice, I’m not sure the lyrics are relevant. I’ve therefore concluded that this means whichever team’s players have more E’s and I’s in their names will win the game. I looked at the rosters from game six and by my count the Pens take it by 34-32. Evgeni Malkin is truly this team’s MVP.

I will now put my record on the line by attempting to guess which teams will move on to the Conference Finals. Rather than predicting a number of games for each series, I’m going to make the potentially daring move of declaring here that all these series will go six games and predicting some other random details about the series below.

I’ve given Radiohead a holiday for this one. Instead, I chose a random yet sort of related song to represent each team and paired the songs to create series playlists on my trusty psychic iPod. I then played each playlist up to seven times on shuffle, counting the first song picked as a win for the team the song represents. I continued this for each series until one team’s song had been picked four times, indicating that the team in question would win four games and therefore the series.

Eastern Conference

(1) Boston Bruins vs. (6) Carolina Hurricanes: The Hurricanes have some momentum from their crazy game seven victory against New Jersey — which I hope you all watched, because it was pretty incredible — but I doubt they have enough energy to carry them through an entire series against the well-rested Bruins, who I believe are simply the superior team

My Prediction: The teams will split the first two games in Boston, but the Bruins will pick up steam as it goes and eventually take the series. Carolina will fail to score a single power play goal.

iPod Prediction: Bruins in 6. We have “The Bear” by The Tragically Hip to represent the Bruins, and “Wild is the Wind” by Nina Simone to represent the Canes. The iPod has the Bruins winning games 1, 3, 4, and 6.

(2) Washington Capitals vs. (4) Pittsburgh Penguins: The Caps’ rookie goaltender Simeon Varlamov looked pretty good against the Rangers, which was good news for Washington. The bad news is that New York’s offence is pathetic and the Penguins will be a whole new kind of test for him. As much as I hate to say so, I think the Pens will win this without too much trouble. By the way, the NHL would like you to note that this series features a couple of pretty good players.

My Prediction: Evgeni Malkin will use his wizard powers to triumph in the battle of the superstars and lead both teams in scoring as the Pens take out the Caps. It will be impossible for TV stations to go more than six minutes without showing one or both of Crosby and Ovechkin on camera.

iPod Prediction: The Penguins (Manhattan Rhythm Kings, “Happy Feet”) beat the Capitals (Mogwai, “Ratts of the Capital”) in 6. The Pens take games 1, 2, 4, and 6.

Western Conference

(2) Detroit Red Wings vs. (8) Anaheim Ducks: Clearly, I was wrong to think Detroit’s experience wouldn’t be a huge factor against the Jackets in the first round. But that was Columbus, and Anaheim may be the only team that can match the Red Wings for playoff experience. They did to San Jose what Detroit did to Columbus. Their victory in that series was impressive and, despite the Sharks’ habit of choking, I’d have to say it was a bigger accomplishment than the Red Wings beating the Blue Jackets. One thing that will be interesting to keep an eye on in this series is the penalties. Both teams have great power plays, but they don’t appear to be as evenly matched on the penalty kill. The Ducks, who were the second most penalized team in the regular season, did a great job of shutting down the Sharks’ power play (with help from the Sharks). The Red Wings, who generally don’t take a huge number of penalties, managed only a 76.9% penalty kill against the Jackets — the Jackets, team of the league worst 12.7% regular season power play — in round one. Goaltending is obviously another thing to watch. Chris Osgood was much less sucktacular against Columbus than he was during the regular season, but can he keep it up against Anaheim’s stronger offence? What about Jonas Hiller? Is he for real? How does he feel about having Tomas Holmstrom’s big hockey butt (TM Kelly Hrudey) in his face for 20 minutes a night?

My Prediction: Hiller won’t feel great about the Holmstrom thing, but he’ll feel good enough to keep the Wings’ offensive production fairly low (with help from Anaheim’s deep defence). Osgood will return to form in the bad way. Teemu Selanne will flash back to 2007 and pick up his game enough to ensure that he haunts the Wings’ dreams for another year. The Ducks advance to the Western Final.

iPod Prediction: “The Big Three Killed My Baby” by Detroit natives The White Stripes represents the Red Wings; “Rubber Ducky” by Ernie from Sesame Street is the Ducks’ song. My iPod sees the Wings losing games 1 and 4, but coming back for victories in games 2, 3, 5, and 6 to win this series in 6 games.

(3) Vancouver Canucks vs. (4) Chicago Blackhawks: Roberto Luongo played exceptionally well in round one against St. Louis. Nikolai Khabibulin had a great first round series too, but he’s very very old. Advantage: Luongo. He seems like a man on a mission right now, as do Canucks players like Alex Burrows and the Sedin twins. As good as the Blackhawks looked against Calgary, it must be said that the Flames looked equally bad and were already kinda defeated going in.

My Prediction: Luongo will have two shutouts as Vancouver wins the series. The Canucks will play a very physical type of game, and the series will feature at least one brawl brought on by a big hit on one of Chicago’s star players.

iPod Prediction: For Chicago, it’s Sufjan Stevens’ “The Black Hawk War, or, How to Demolish an Entire Civilization and Still Feel Good About Yourself in the Morning, or, We Apologize for the Inconvenience but You’re Going to Have to Leave Now, or, ‘I Have Fought the Big Knives and Will Continue to Fight Them Until They Are Off Our Lands!’” For Vancouver, “Hobo Humpin’ Slobo Babe” by Whale (because their logo is a whale, mmkay). The Canucks will lose the first two games, but win games 3, 4, and 5 en route to a (presumably dramatic) 7 game series win.

Sens Watch

Let’s all take a moment to mentally punch Christoph Schubert in the face for allegedly breaking Anton Volchenkov. SCHUBERT!! WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?

Now that we’ve got that out of our system, let’s pat Jason Spezza on the head: he’s currently third in tournament scoring with seven points in Canada’s first three games. Keep it up, Spezz. I hear there might be an opening on the Olympic team.

For me, the biggest surprise so far has been the Rangers. I think we all knew Henrik Lundqvist was probably going to outplay Jose Theodore, but it seems very few people foresaw just how big a problem the entire goaltending situation in this series was going to be for the Caps. Obviously, if they can’t get their offense going today, they may as well pack it in. What would lie ahead for them after another first round loss this year is clear: a developing reputation as chokers. And a reputation like that is hard to shake.

Which brings me to what has been my favourite series to this point: Ducks-Sharks. It’s just fun. Chris Pronger and Jonathan Cheechoo had quite the battle going last night, with Cheechoo, who runs around like a maniacal ball of energy out there, goading big dumb Pronger into two silly crosschecking penalties. This caused Randy Carlyle to make the face of a man who’s just been told his flight is cancelled and he’ll have to take the Greyhound from Winnipeg to Vancouver. Normally I would find this funny — and really, it was — but because I picked the Ducks to win I am actually rooting for them here. (Yes, it feels dirty and all kinds of wrong.) I now feel I have new insight into what it must be like to be a Ducks fan and have to watch your team take a constant stream of idiotic penalties. It would be like having several highly-paid Christoph Schuberts on your roster. All you can do is shake your head.

My dear Blue Jackets are in a spot of trouble, looking overwhelmed in their series against Detroit. They’ve also had some pretty unfortunate bounces, but mostly Detroit just plain has them off their game. Trying to get things back on track, they’re doing some line shuffling and our old buddy Antoine Vermette now finds himself centring the team’s top line, with Rick Nash and Kristian Huselius as his wingers. Good luck with that, Antoine.

Because I love being wrong and looking foolish, I have undertaken much painstaking statistical analysis and consulted my “gut instinct,” and will now predict the first round winners for you.

I’m also going to throw in an element of chaos by asking for help from one of my favourite bands: Radiohead. Radiohead is from England, and therefore probably totally unconnected to hockey. This ensures that their predictions will be unbiased. They will be helping me out through the medium of iToblerone, my trusty iPod, and his shuffle function. Like most iPods, iToblerone has psychic powers, and I feel he is at least as qualified to make playoff predictions as some monkey on TV.

In order to make myself seem like less of an idiot when nothing in this post comes to pass, I want to note that I won’t be terribly surprised at all if I’m wrong on every single pick, except one (see below).

Eastern Conference

(1) Boston Bruins vs. (8) Montreal Canadiens: I despise the Habs, but I don’t think it’s bias talking when I say they’re screwed. The Bruins have looked fantastic almost all season. Oh sure, they had a bad stretch or two, but they seem to have got back on track now. The Habs, meanwhile, had essentially the same season this year as the Sens had last year (minus the trip to the Finals the year before), which isn’t a good thing. Tim Thomas was first in the NHL in both save percentage and goals against average this season, while Carey Price was replaced with some dude who can smoke five cigarettes at a time but unfortunately forgot how to tend goal. Habs suck; it’s all over but the riot in Montreal. And I, for one, am looking forward to seeing the massively overhyped centennial season end in flames.

My Prediction: Bruins in 5. To those who point out that people were saying that the Habs should sweep the Bruins last season but the Bruins still took the series to seven games? That’s true, but your argument loses steam due to one inescapable fact: Montreal still won.

Radiohead’s Prediction: Radiohead speaks through their song “Bishop’s Robes,” a somewhat obscure b-side about a frightening school principal. I assume the bishop in question is Bob Gainey, the religious imagery referencing the fact that Montrealers view hockey as a religion, which is why they’re willing to commit violent acts for it (”Children taught to kill, to tear themselves to bits on playing fields”). “I’m not going back, I won’t go back,” goes the refrain: no doubt this is the voice of the numerous impending free agents in Montreal. They don’t want to play for Gainey, their “bastard headmaster,” and can’t wait to get out of town, away from the crazy, violent fans. I conclude that Radiohead likes Boston.

(2) Washington Capitals vs. (7) New York Rangers: Henrik Lundqvist is most likely a better goalie than Jose Theodore, but I’m not sure it matters much: Washington’s offense averaged almost a full goal per game more than New York’s over the course of the season. The fact that Alex Ovechkin vs. Sean Avery is picking up mileage as one of the stories to watch during this round says, to me, that the outcome of this series isn’t really in question and people just need something to talk about. People who forget that this is Ovechkin, and he’ll probably just avery Avery right back.

My Prediction: Caps in 6.

Radiohead’s Prediction: “Fitter, Happier” from OK Computer. This bizarre Stephen Hawking-sounding rant about a middle aged person living a conventional life just screams Rangers to me. New York is where aging players go to fade into obscurity. They are older now, no longer “ridiculously teenaged and desperate,” but “at a better place, slower and more calculated.” The flipside of this is that there’s “no chance of escape,” for the player or, in some cases (Redden), the team. Perhaps the Rangers are “fitter, happier” since John Tortorella took over, but in the end they’re still “a pig, in a cage, on antibiotics” — the antithesis of Radiohead’s pick in this series: the young, vital Caps.

(3) New Jersey Devils vs. (6) Carolina Hurricanes: A few weeks ago I was picking the Devils to win the Cup. Their play has declined so much since then, however, that I now seriously doubt they’ll even make it past this round. The Canes have been outstanding since the beginning of March, and they won the season series 3-1-0. Statistically, these two are quite even, but I think the Canes’ late-season momentum will carry them past the struggling Devils. On the other hand, if New Jersey can somehow regain the form they had while Martin Brodeur was out injured, they could easily win.

My Prediction: Canes in 6.

Radiohead’s Prediction: “Myxomatosis.” This is a tough one to interpret, but my feeling is that the song refers to Martin Brodeur. Like the character in the song, Brodeur has seen his star power used for marketing purposes, which ultimately may be his downfall: is it really a coincidence that the Devils have struggled since his record-setting win? “I don’t know why I feel so tongue-tied,” he might wonder. The first part of the song, about a “mongrel cat” who shows off “half a head” from an animal he’s killed, criticizes the Devils for resting on Brodeur’s accomplishment. You see, it’s only half a head. The Devils should have waited to start their celebration until they got the other half, playoff success, which Radiohead apparently feels is out of the picture for New Jersey this year. Unless they’re actually just talking about bunnies.

(4) Pittsburgh Penguins vs. (5) Philadelphia Flyers: Well, I’m a big believer in the Curse of the Cup Finalists which sees the finalists from the previous year fail bigtime the next season. (I have to believe in it or the Sens’ performance in 2007-2008 would be too much to bear.) Combine that with the inexplicable feeling I’ve had all season long that the Flyers would do well this year and the motivation Philly should be able to draw on from having lost to the Pens last year, and it makes me feel like Mike Richards, Jeff Carter and the Flyers will be taking Crosby and Malkin down. Should be a great series.

My Prediction: Flyers in 6.

Radiohead’s Prediction: An oldie but a goody: “Anyone Can Play Guitar.” This is a song that seems entirely too light for what I think will be quite a rough series, but I guess Radiohead have their reasons for sending it to me. And I think those reasons include mocking Sidney Crosby with a song making fun of a prima donna. There’s even a reference to hair growth (”Grow my hair, I wanna be Jim Morrison”) that brings up some unpleasant memories. Then again, maybe they’re talking about Scott Hartnell. As much as this song treats its subject as a bit of a joke, the chorus is celebratory and all in all it’s pretty happy-go-lucky (for a Radiohead song). That’s more in tune with the annoyingly “cute” Penguins and their stupid let’s punch the goalie pre-game routines than it is with the Broadstreet Bullies. Oh Radiohead, why do you pain me by picking Pittsburgh?

Western Conference

(1) San Jose Sharks vs. (8) Anaheim Ducks: People are saying these Sharks are different, but I don’t know. I’m not quite ready to let go of the “Sharks are chokers” thing yet. That’s partly due to their play down the stretch, which has been less than spectacular while the Ducks have been ridiculously good. Also, I was so badly scarred by the Ducks’ absolute domination of the Sens in the Final two years ago (nightmares! of Scott Niedermayer’s playoff beard!) that I can’t ever imagine them not kicking ass in the playoffs. I picked them to beat Dallas last year, too. Ultimately, I don’t really care who wins this one — I’m just really excited about it. It should be a total bloodbath. Woo hoo!

My Prediction: Ducks in 6.

Radiohead’s Prediction: “Karma Police.” So that’s a vote for the Sharks then.

(2) Detroit Red Wings vs. (7) Columbus Blue Jackets: Like my esteemed colleague SLC at Five for Smiting, I found it a bit easier to make my picks this year with the Sens not playing. For the most part, I’m less emotionally involved in the outcome of this year’s playoffs than I ever could be with Ottawa in the running. This series is the big exception to that, as I’ve become very attached to the Blue Jackets this season and can’t find it in my heart to pick against them. That said, I do think the Wings are ripe for an upset. The Cup Finalists curse, plus the sucky goaltending and sloppy defense (20th in the NHL in goals allowed this year: not what you’d expect from one of the league’s best defensive teams), plus the fact that they’ve been playing like crap lately, plus Rick Nash’s two hat tricks against them this season, plus the Jackets’ 8-2 demolishment of them in early March, plus this, and … yeah. If there’s one thing I learned from the Sens last year it’s that you really can’t play badly all season and then expect to turn it up a notch in the playoffs just because you’ve been there before and now know what it takes. The bad habits you developed from not paying attention when you were playing all those lesser teams during the season will creep into your game and before you know it you’re golfing.

My Prediction: Jackets in 7. Carry the flag!

Radiohead’s Prediction: Another b-side, “Paperbag Writer.” “Blow into this paper bag / Go home and stop grinning at everyone / It was nice while it lasted but now it’s gone.” I can see two interpretations for this one. Either the Jackets need to accept that this year’s run just hit a big red wall, or Red Wings fans need to get over themselves because last year was last year and this year’s Jackets team might just make them breathe a little harder. I think it could go either way. But a subsequent line — “Take your armour off / You’re not under attack” — makes me think this one is for the Wings fans and their massive, out of control persecution complex. Still, Radiohead is fairly non-committal here. The one thing that does seem certain is that they predict a long, close series, possibly with lots of overtime.

(3) Vancouver Canucks vs. (6) St. Louis Blues: This is a hard one to predict based on stats. The season series was tied 2-2. Special teams favour St. Louis, but the overall goals for and against numbers favour Vancouver. Both teams have had amazing records since the All-Star Break. In the end, Roberto Luongo and the one goal he allowed in his last three games put Vancouver over the top for me. He only played 54 games this season so he shouldn’t be too tired, and he looks as though he’s hitting the zone. And, uh, obviously his one goal against in three games is far superior to Chris Mason’s two goals against in three games … because … he’s Roberto Luongo? We’ll go with that.

My Prediction: Canucks in 6. I kinda hope Vancouver loses, though, because then I could listen to Canucks fans demand that Luongo be traded again and it would be pretty entertaining.

Radiohead’s Prediction: “Optimistic.” This appears to be about the Blues and their miraculous run from last place to 6th seed. “You can try the best you can,” they say, “the best you can is good enough.” To me, that sounds like a parent telling a child who came second that well, you know, you tried really hard but in the end you just didn’t have it. The fact that “the big fish eat the little ones” also seems to favour the higher seed in the series. Vancouver it is. One question: “dinosaurs roaming the Earth.” Is this about Keith Tkachuk or Mats Sundin?

(4) Chicago Blackhawks vs. (5) Calgary Flames: The Flames are a rapidly sinking ship. Consider the fact that they had a 10 point lead over Vancouver at the end of February, and they still managed to finish second in the Northwest. That’s just plain sad. I don’t care how inexperienced the Hawks are (other than Nikolai Khabibulin … anyone remember that guy?); they swept the season series and have looked mighty good in their last few games.

My Prediction: Hawks in 5. I’m taking some heat for this from my good friend DHS of Scarlett Ice, who accused me of overdosing on crazy pills, but actually he’s been taking too much wacky crack.

Radiohead’s Prediction: Radiohead sends me the lovely ballad “Sail to the Moon,” which is about a father’s hopes and dreams for his son. “Maybe you’ll be President,” it goes, “but know right from wrong / Or in a flood you’ll build an ark and sail us to the moon.” Once the shivers running down my spine have subsided and I’ve wiped the tears away, I conclude that this is unqestionably a pick for young Jonathan Toews and his Blackhawks.

There you go. Radiohead and I are in agreement on most of this, and I think that’s pretty good evidence for you to use when you enter your picks in your pool.

Now, NHL, bring on the mingled violence, pain, and elation! I can’t wait for tomorrow.

And for those teams not in the dance this year, bring on the draft lottery! GO SENS GO! 5th or bust!

Schubert, you stinker!
Like neverending winter,
You won’t go away.

The Sharks and the Wings
Swirling winds, rumours flying
Yet Neil still remains.

Others I thought might
Blow ‘way like leaves in autumn:
Smith, Kelly – still here.

Contracts rise, cap sinks;
Defence: unchanged, incomplete.
What the hell, Murray?

Deadline excitement:
In the end, waters were calm.
An anticlimax.

Kuba re-signed – WHAT?!
3 x 3.7 … okay.
Sign and trade? Please? Please?

Au revoir, Antoine.
Bienvenu, Pascal (and pick) …
Bring Hitch and a doc.

You may have heard: it’s tomorrow.

The Sens, as one of the few teams that is well and truly out of the playoff race, might be able to make a splash or two by auctioning off some players. Has Filip Kuba just scored his last goal for the Senators? Will Chris Neil ever be seen in an Ottawa uniform again? Is it finally time to show Christoph Schubert the way out of town?

Personally, I love the deadline. The rumours, the hype, the inevitable letdown when nothing happens: it’s all a nice break from the everyday NHL routine. I’m hoping for big things. It’d be awesome if some unexpected blockbuster mega deal went down. Of course, that probably isn’t likely.

That’s why I’m going to have to make my own fun, and present my thoughts throughout the day in haiku form.

See you tomorrow, when I wake up ridiculously early in order not to miss any of the super exciting action.