Sens at Land’s End

Too subtle?

It doesn’t seem quite right that the Sharks don’t play in Ottawa this year, does it? Heatley skipped town and he gets to avoid the consequences for at least a full year. Well, the Sharks do have to play the Canucks this season. Tonight, in fact. And although my disgruntled Sens fan voice will be a tiny minority in a room full of Canucks fans who probably don’t care that much about our pain, I will try to make myself heard.

Tonight, Ottawa, I boo for thee.

Silicon Valley Mercury News columnist Mark Purdy offers this in his assessment of the Heatley trade (link via James Gordon):

But let’s say Heatley does have an edge to his personality. That wouldn’t be the worst thing to toss into the Sharks’ mix. The team needs more crankiness in the dressing room. And you don’t see many pictures of Heatley where he’s smiling. He has the stare of a nightclub bouncer and the hands of a master craftsman. Not a bad combination.

Sure, Heatley is cranky. For example, if you’re looking for someone to yap at the ref after he takes yet another hooking penalty, Heatley is your guy. If he’s unhappy with his icetime, I guess he’ll let you know. If the definition of “edge” is whining and stomping and shouting “ME! ME! ME!” then yes, I suppose Heatley will add something to the Sharks.

But if by “edge” you mean the willingness to throw a hit, go into a corner, or fight an opponent to stick up for a teammate or give the team an emotional boost — which I think is probably a more traditional definition of edge, but maybe we can’t expect someone in San Jose to know that — then I’m not sure Heatley is the one you want.

Joe Thornton, who, in case you don’t remember, fought Ryan Getzlaf during the Sharks-Ducks playoff series last season — which I’ll bet money Heatley would never do — has more edge than Heatley. Heatley wears an RBK Edge jersey and has edges on his skate blades. Those are about the only edges you’ll find on him.

Oh hey, I think I recognize this Cup Final. That’s … awesome.

Last year, I rooted for Detroit. I didn’t hate them the way I hated the Penguins at that point, but things change. In this year’s first round I watched the Wings beat out my second favourite team, and I developed a pretty strong rage against them. Seeing them lift the Cup again is right up there with seeing Sidney Crosby and the Penguins lift the Cup on my list of things I’d like to do.

This raises the question: who the heck do I even root for here? Which of these can be considered the lesser evil? I can’t really see any pros for either team, so I’ve broken it down into cons to try to determine which scenario is less objectionable.

Cons of Red Wings Winning

• Increased talk of dynasty from Wings fans and hockey commentators. Annoying.
• Boring. At least if the Pens win some new people (including Evgeni Malkin, and I do like him) get Cup rings.

Cons of Penguins Winning

• Crosbycrosbycrosbycrosbycrosby. It’ll get even worse, if that’s possible. Mitigating factor: hearing about how Crosby lost the Final two years in a row might end up being just as bad.
• Gloating from Pens fans, who are generally already pretty obnoxious.

Hmm. What to do. After thinking it through, I believe I have to (shudder) support the Penguins. The Crosby thing will continue to be irritating no matter what happens so I can’t give too much weight to that. It was funny watching Pens fans cry last year, but hey, they cried last year. Why not spread the wealth? It’ll be just as hilarious, perhaps even more so, to watch Wings fans cry this year.

Now, who do I actually think will win? I’m cautiously optimistic about the Penguins’ chances. The Wings appear to be losing parts all over the place. Nick Lidstrom will play tonight, but you have to wonder what kind of shape he’s in. Granted, even a Lidstrom at 50% is still pretty good, but he’s not quite Lidstrom and I don’t know that I think he can keep up with Crosby and Malkin. It’s all well and good to talk about the Wings’ depth at forward, but Pavel Datsyuk (who hasn’t been a factor these playoffs anyway) is hurt. Kris Draper is hurt. Marian Hossa has had only three or four good games this postseason. Tomas Holmstrom has been almost invisible and Henrik Zetterberg hasn’t exactly lit up the boxscores. There’s Johan Franzen and Dan Cleary and that’s about it. The Red Wings were almost taken out by the Ducks, a team with one hobbly line and lots of playoff experience. Put them up against the Penguins, who were there last year, who have started scoring in bushels, and who don’t seem to be suffering too much with injuries, and I’m not sure about their odds. Penguins in 6.

Eric and Jordan Staal star in “Boyfight 2009: Boys on Ice.”

Ah, the Eastern Conference Final, also known as The Series Even Sidney Crosby Couldn’t Bring to NBC. On the surface, this does appear to be a bit less interesting than the Chicago-Detroit series. But when I took a deeper look at it to find storylines I’ll be keeping an eye on, I found that, actually, I am almost as uninterested in it as the US TV people are. A few things that did grab my notice:

Sod Off. Eric and Jordan Staal are brothers. (I know, I was surprised too.) Eric plays for the Carolina Hurricanes. Jordan plays for the Pittsburgh Penguins. Which means they’ll be trying to destroy each other during this round of the playoffs. Perhaps this really is the year when we finally figure out who’s dad’s favourite. Let’s take a look at the numbers:

• Eric: born 1984, 6′4,” 205lbs, drafted 2nd overall in 2003, owner of one Stanley Cup ring, 9G 4A 13P in 14GP these playoffs. The Canes have not lost a game in this postseason where Eric has scored a goal: he has goals in seven of their eight wins.
• Jordan: born 1988, 6′4,” 220lbs, drafted 2nd overall in 2006, appeared in one Stanley Cup Final, 2G 3A 5P in 13GP these playoffs. The Pens are undefeated when Jordan scores in this postseason. Yep, they won both games. Let’s hope for his sake that Father Staal doesn’t base his love on offensive production.

My Gut Prefers: I have always found Eric to be the cutest Staal, and his 2009 playoff stats are much more impressive than Jordan’s. Plus, there’s the fact that I hate the Penguins and their stupid faces.

Who Do We Hate More? And that raises an interesting question: as a Sens fan, which of these teams do I have more reason to despise? Well, let’s see. The Hurricanes have Emo Joe Corvo, former Senator and current Sens Killer, on their roster, along with Scott Walker, the guy who headbutted Mike Fisher and caused the tragic loss of his front tooth. In their favour, they’ve also got Patrick Eaves, who is a good friend of Hugo Alfredsson, and Jarkko and Mikko Ruutu’s little brother Tuomo. The Penguins swept the Sens in the first round last year. I feel like they still haven’t been properly punished for that. I’m also still bitter about that time Tyler Kennedy scored in overtime and beat the Sens in Sweden. My Gut Prefers: Joe Corvo is obnoxious, but even he isn’t nearly obnoxious enough to match the combined obnoxiousness of the entire Penguins roster.

Is There Anyone on the Penguins Who Isn’t Totally Obnoxious? Yes. Evgeni Malkin is good. I can’t really claim to have a “favourite player” in this series, but if I did it would probably be Malkin. My Gut Likes Malkin: Because he’s a good player, he looks a bit like Shrek, and repeated reading of the Harry Potter books has me convinced he secretly has magical powers.

Other Than Hating the Penguins, Is There a Compelling Reason to Root for Carolina? Not really. They already won the Cup in 2006. Do they really need another one? No, I don’t think so. They have an insanely loud fanbase at their arena in Raleigh, but they seem to have a smaller and less vocal online presence than the Penguins do so I imagine we’d be subjected to less gloating if they won this series. That’s always a plus. They’ve also had an improbable run in these playoffs and it could be exciting to see that continue. Despite the unappealing nature of the two teams involved, it’s possible that the “Cardiac Canes” could make this a very special series indeed. My Gut Prefers: I hate the Penguins enough that I really don’t think I need a more compelling reason to root for Carolina.

Prediction: If only me rooting for a team had some impact on their ability to win. Then the Sens would win the Cup every year and the world would just be a better place. Penguins in six.