Too subtle?

It doesn’t seem quite right that the Sharks don’t play in Ottawa this year, does it? Heatley skipped town and he gets to avoid the consequences for at least a full year. Well, the Sharks do have to play the Canucks this season. Tonight, in fact. And although my disgruntled Sens fan voice will be a tiny minority in a room full of Canucks fans who probably don’t care that much about our pain, I will try to make myself heard.

Tonight, Ottawa, I boo for thee.

But let’s say Heatley does have an edge to his personality. That wouldn’t be the worst thing to toss into the Sharks’ mix. The team needs more crankiness in the dressing room. And you don’t see many pictures of Heatley where he’s smiling. He has the stare of a nightclub bouncer and the hands of a master craftsman. Not a bad combination.

Sure, Heatley is cranky. For example, if you’re looking for someone to yap at the ref after he takes yet another hooking penalty, Heatley is your guy. If he’s unhappy with his icetime, I guess he’ll let you know. If the definition of “edge” is whining and stomping and shouting “ME! ME! ME!” then yes, I suppose Heatley will add something to the Sharks.

But if by “edge” you mean the willingness to throw a hit, go into a corner, or fight an opponent to stick up for a teammate or give the team an emotional boost — which I think is probably a more traditional definition of edge, but maybe we can’t expect someone in San Jose to know that — then I’m not sure Heatley is the one you want.

Joe Thornton, who, in case you don’t remember, fought Ryan Getzlaf during the Sharks-Ducks playoff series last season — which I’ll bet money Heatley would never do — has more edge than Heatley. Heatley wears an RBK Edge jersey and has edges on his skate blades. Those are about the only edges you’ll find on him.

Last year, I rooted for Detroit. I didn’t hate them the way I hated the Penguins at that point, but things change. In this year’s first round I watched the Wings beat out my second favourite team, and I developed a pretty strong rage against them. Seeing them lift the Cup again is right up there with seeing Sidney Crosby and the Penguins lift the Cup on my list of things I’d like to do.

This raises the question: who the heck do I even root for here? Which of these can be considered the lesser evil? I can’t really see any pros for either team, so I’ve broken it down into cons to try to determine which scenario is less objectionable.

Cons of Red Wings Winning

• Increased talk of dynasty from Wings fans and hockey commentators. Annoying.
• Boring. At least if the Pens win some new people (including Evgeni Malkin, and I do like him) get Cup rings.

Cons of Penguins Winning

• Crosbycrosbycrosbycrosbycrosby. It’ll get even worse, if that’s possible. Mitigating factor: hearing about how Crosby lost the Final two years in a row might end up being just as bad.
• Gloating from Pens fans, who are generally already pretty obnoxious.

Hmm. What to do. After thinking it through, I believe I have to (shudder) support the Penguins. The Crosby thing will continue to be irritating no matter what happens so I can’t give too much weight to that. It was funny watching Pens fans cry last year, but hey, they cried last year. Why not spread the wealth? It’ll be just as hilarious, perhaps even more so, to watch Wings fans cry this year.

Now, who do I actually think will win? I’m cautiously optimistic about the Penguins’ chances. The Wings appear to be losing parts all over the place. Nick Lidstrom will play tonight, but you have to wonder what kind of shape he’s in. Granted, even a Lidstrom at 50% is still pretty good, but he’s not quite Lidstrom and I don’t know that I think he can keep up with Crosby and Malkin. It’s all well and good to talk about the Wings’ depth at forward, but Pavel Datsyuk (who hasn’t been a factor these playoffs anyway) is hurt. Kris Draper is hurt. Marian Hossa has had only three or four good games this postseason. Tomas Holmstrom has been almost invisible and Henrik Zetterberg hasn’t exactly lit up the boxscores. There’s Johan Franzen and Dan Cleary and that’s about it. The Red Wings were almost taken out by the Ducks, a team with one hobbly line and lots of playoff experience. Put them up against the Penguins, who were there last year, who have started scoring in bushels, and who don’t seem to be suffering too much with injuries, and I’m not sure about their odds. Penguins in 6.

Eric and Jordan Staal star in “Boyfight 2009: Boys on Ice.”

Ah, the Eastern Conference Final, also known as The Series Even Sidney Crosby Couldn’t Bring to NBC. On the surface, this does appear to be a bit less interesting than the Chicago-Detroit series. But when I took a deeper look at it to find storylines I’ll be keeping an eye on, I found that, actually, I am almost as uninterested in it as the US TV people are. A few things that did grab my notice:

Sod Off. Eric and Jordan Staal are brothers. (I know, I was surprised too.) Eric plays for the Carolina Hurricanes. Jordan plays for the Pittsburgh Penguins. Which means they’ll be trying to destroy each other during this round of the playoffs. Perhaps this really is the year when we finally figure out who’s dad’s favourite. Let’s take a look at the numbers:

• Eric: born 1984, 6′4,” 205lbs, drafted 2nd overall in 2003, owner of one Stanley Cup ring, 9G 4A 13P in 14GP these playoffs. The Canes have not lost a game in this postseason where Eric has scored a goal: he has goals in seven of their eight wins.
• Jordan: born 1988, 6′4,” 220lbs, drafted 2nd overall in 2006, appeared in one Stanley Cup Final, 2G 3A 5P in 13GP these playoffs. The Pens are undefeated when Jordan scores in this postseason. Yep, they won both games. Let’s hope for his sake that Father Staal doesn’t base his love on offensive production.

My Gut Prefers: I have always found Eric to be the cutest Staal, and his 2009 playoff stats are much more impressive than Jordan’s. Plus, there’s the fact that I hate the Penguins and their stupid faces.

Who Do We Hate More? And that raises an interesting question: as a Sens fan, which of these teams do I have more reason to despise? Well, let’s see. The Hurricanes have Emo Joe Corvo, former Senator and current Sens Killer, on their roster, along with Scott Walker, the guy who headbutted Mike Fisher and caused the tragic loss of his front tooth. In their favour, they’ve also got Patrick Eaves, who is a good friend of Hugo Alfredsson, and Jarkko and Mikko Ruutu’s little brother Tuomo. The Penguins swept the Sens in the first round last year. I feel like they still haven’t been properly punished for that. I’m also still bitter about that time Tyler Kennedy scored in overtime and beat the Sens in Sweden. My Gut Prefers: Joe Corvo is obnoxious, but even he isn’t nearly obnoxious enough to match the combined obnoxiousness of the entire Penguins roster.

Is There Anyone on the Penguins Who Isn’t Totally Obnoxious? Yes. Evgeni Malkin is good. I can’t really claim to have a “favourite player” in this series, but if I did it would probably be Malkin. My Gut Likes Malkin: Because he’s a good player, he looks a bit like Shrek, and repeated reading of the Harry Potter books has me convinced he secretly has magical powers.

Other Than Hating the Penguins, Is There a Compelling Reason to Root for Carolina? Not really. They already won the Cup in 2006. Do they really need another one? No, I don’t think so. They have an insanely loud fanbase at their arena in Raleigh, but they seem to have a smaller and less vocal online presence than the Penguins do so I imagine we’d be subjected to less gloating if they won this series. That’s always a plus. They’ve also had an improbable run in these playoffs and it could be exciting to see that continue. Despite the unappealing nature of the two teams involved, it’s possible that the “Cardiac Canes” could make this a very special series indeed. My Gut Prefers: I hate the Penguins enough that I really don’t think I need a more compelling reason to root for Carolina.

Prediction: If only me rooting for a team had some impact on their ability to win. Then the Sens would win the Cup every year and the world would just be a better place. Penguins in six.

Nick Lidstrom and his clones take on Jonathan Toews and his chops.

Round three is upon us, and my picks to win round two did not fare very well: only Pittsburgh made it through. With that in mind, I’ve decided to throw actual hockey analysis mostly to the wind and let my gut instinct take over when I make my predictions.

First up, the Western Conference Final, featuring the Detroit Red Wings and the Chicago Blackhawks in a Winter Classic rematch. (Come to think of it, the Penguins played in the Winter Classic last season before winning the Eastern Conference. How do we go about getting the Sens involved in one of these outdoor games?) A few of the things I’ll be watching in the series:

The Captains. Jonathan Toews turned 21 on April 29. A day earlier, Nicklas Lidstrom turned 39. Toews is a young star in the league who endeared himself to Canadians with his shootout heroics during the 2007 World Juniors. Lidstrom has won the Norris Trophy six times and is one of the best defencemen ever to play in the NHL. Aside from being great hockey players, they both also seem like pretty good guys. Lidstrom has a beautiful family, complete with four blond sons who look exactly like a set of those nested Russian dolls. Toews can’t compete with that any more than he can with Lidstrom’s lengthy list of hockey accomplishments. He does, however, have stunning dark brown eyes, plus he’s grown an excellent set of mutton chops in place of a playoff beard. This is strangely impressive. My Gut Prefers: Gotta go with Captain Sideburns. They’re fascinating!

Crease Foul Ahead. Detroit’s Tomas Holmstrom has become famous for sticking his ass in goalies’ faces. Johan Franzen does the same thing, and Dan Cleary also made his presence felt in Jonas Hiller’s crease a couple of times during the Detroit-Anaheim series, most notably in game five. This borderline goaltender interference is not my favourite tactic. No, I think it’s underhanded, dirty, cheap, whatever you want to call it. But the Wings, despite their reputation as a “skill team,” apparently can’t score without doing it, so they keep it up. Well, they could be about to get a sweet taste of their own medicine in the form of Dustin Byfuglien, who was so much in Roberto Luongo’s space in round two that some Canucks fans are crying conspiracy. I’m guessing they won’t like it much. I’m also guessing this series will be fairly nasty. My Gut Prefers: Neither. Goalie interference sucks. It would be a little bit satisfying to see the Wings get hoist with their own petard, though, so I call it a slight advantage to Chicago.

I Remember You. Ah yes, Martin Havlat, the NHL’s version of Mr. Glass, and Marian Hossa, Sidney Crosby’s version of Judas, Brutus, Benedict Arnold, Saruman the White, Fredo Corleone, Anakin Skywalker, Peter Pettigrew, Cypher from The Matrix, and whatever other famous traitors you can think of. Two very familiar faces to Ottawa fans. Hossa has four goals in the 2009 playoffs; unfortunately, he scored two of them in game four against Columbus and two more in game four against Anaheim, and is goalless in Detroit’s other nine games. But watch out for him in game four, Nikolai Khabibulin! Havlat is having a somewhat more productive postseason: with 13 points in 12 games played, he’s Chicago’s leading playoff scorer. I have no beef against either of these guys and am happy to see either one do well. For a Sens fan torn about who to cheer for in this series, picking your favourite could be a way to break the tie. My Gut Prefers: I was a big Hossa fan, but I like feeling that we won the trade with Atlanta. My mom loves Havlat and he’s been great so far. Chicago.

The Desert vs. THE DYNASTY. In case you didn’t know, the Red Wings have won four Stanley Cups in the last 15 years. If you’ve ever spoken to a Red Wings fan, chances are you were already very much aware of this fact. The Blackhawks, on the other hand, own the longest Cup drought in the NHL. The second longest belongs to the Leafs. If you are a Senators fan, chances are you were aware of this fact as well. You can probably also put two and two together and realize that a Hawks Cup win this year would make the Leafs the team that has gone the longest without sipping from Lord Stanley’s Mug. Leafs fans could no longer say, “at least we’re not Chicago.” That’s something I think most Sens fans can get behind. My Gut Prefers: My gut really likes telling the Leafs to suck it. My gut says Chicago.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T. That whole respect your elders thing we all learn about? It seems no one ever taught the Blackhawks that lesson. Just ask Jarome Iginla and the Flames. Don’t look for the Hawks to be intimidated by the Wings’ bountiful playoff experience; do look for the Wings at least to be mindful of how well the Hawks have played to this point, if not actually to respect it. My Gut Prefers: It prefers the Blackhawks. I hate to see their youthful enthusiasm crushed by the mean old Red Wings …

Prediction: … but I fear that’s exactly what’s going to happen en route to a Wings victory in the series. It’s boring, but there you have it. Wings in six.

One consequence of the Ducks’ domination of this series: Joe Thornton and Patrick Marleau should probably hold off on booking tickets to any Canadian Olympic Team-related events. It seems like the Sharks are going to have to get rid of one or both of these guys at this point. I can’t imagine it being a very happy offseason in San Jose.

Ryan Getzlaf, on the other hand, can plan on a trip to Vancouver next February (if there was any doubt).

The Ducks’ win has set up interesting second round matchups in the Western Conference. Chicago will face Roberto Luongo Vancouver, while Anaheim takes on Detroit. The Ducks-Wings series, of course, pits the last two Stanley Cup champions against each other, and I’m sure we all remember that the Ducks beat the Wings en route to their Cup win in 2007. The Wings were able to handle the Blue Jackets so easily in round one partly because they simply have a better roster, and partly because their past playoff experience prepared them for the higher level of play required in the postseason. The Ducks, having pulled the same feat on a Sharks team with a much deeper roster than the Jackets have, are one of the few teams that might actually be able to counter the Wings’ experience.

It’s also interesting to reflect on the way the Ducks handled their team this season. At the trade deadline, Anaheim sent Travis Moen and Sammy Pahlsson, two key figures from their Cup win, to the Sharks and Blackhawks respectively. Chris Kunitz was also traded away in February of this year. (We should note that all of these trades took place after Brian Burke had left for Toronto.) I was shocked to see those players, particularly the first two, sent away given that they appeared to me, at least, to be quite important pieces of the Ducks’ roster. Certainly, I think winning the Cup in 2007 would have been much more difficult without that line of Moen, Pahlsson, and Rob Niedermayer (just ask Jason Spezza and Dany Heatley’s therapists). But clearly the moves, perhaps designed to shake up the team, worked out: the Ducks, who were out of the playoffs at the deadline, came together and played well enough to squeak into the last playoff spot and build a fair bit of momentum going forward.

This has me thinking about 2007, and where that year’s two Cup finalists find themselves two years later. By my count, there are only 11 players on the current Ducks roster who were with the team when they won the Cup: Getzlaf, Corey Perry, Teemu Selanne, Rob and Scott Niedermayer, Francois Beauchemin, Chris Pronger, Todd Marchant, George Parros, Drew “Brother of Ryan” Miller (who only played in three playoff games in 2007), and Jean-Sebastien Giguere (who has played in zero playoff games in 2009 while a strangely calm playoff newbie named Jonas Hiller carries the Ducks in goal). The Sens have about the same number of players left from that year: Heatley, Spezza, Daniel Alfredsson, Mike Fisher, Chris Kelly, Chris Phillips, Anton Volchenkov, Christoph Schubert, Mike Comrie (on his return engagement), and Chris Neil. Both teams have maintained a core of key players while making significant changes to the rest of their rosters.

A major difference between the two teams is that no Ducks player has a cap hit as high as either Heatley or Spezza. Of the Ducks’ forwards, only Getzlaf and Perry make over $4 million per season, while the Sens have Heatley, Spezza, Alfredsson, and Fisher all above that level. The Ducks have spent their biggest money on defense and goaltending, with Pronger, Scott Niedermayer, and Giguere (maybe not the best investment at this point) all making over $6 million. They’ve benefited from the emergence of cheap young talent in the forms of Bobby Ryan, who produced 31 goals this season, and Hiller. The Sens have seen great potential from young players like Nick Foligno, but haven’t seen anyone have the type of breakout year that Ryan and Hiller are currently providing for the Ducks. Anaheim also hasn’t dealt with the same coaching turmoil that Ottawa has: Randy Carlyle is still behind the bench.

All this might help explain why, while the Ducks are waiting for round two to start, the Sens find themselves either golfing or playing in the World Championships — which, it must be said, some of them are doing rather well at. Jason Spezza is currently tied for Canada’s team lead in scoring with five points, and Dany Heatley and Mike Fisher each have two goals. Apparently, Anton Volchenkov has left Team Russia due to a leg injury he sustained against Germany, but I haven’t been able to find any detailed information about what happened or the severity of the injury.

In non-Sens World Championships news, Rick Nash will not be joining Team Canada: according to TSN’s Darren Dreger, Nash has a rotator cuff injury that will require several weeks of rehab. I’m disappointed — a line of Nash-Spezza-Heatley was sounding like a pretty heavenly concept to me, kind of a hockey dream come true — and I wish #61 a quick and full recovery.

Last night I watched Rick Nash hustle like mad to muscle his way around a Kings player to the puck and get an empty net goal, making the score 2-0 for Columbus and sealing a win for his team. I couldn’t help wondering why it is that Ottawa’s large, skilled players can’t seem to muster the same kind of effort and determination.

Watching Nash, I remembered watching the Sens during the 2007 playoffs. That was the first time I really understood what commentators meant by “winning the battles.” Hockey is all about the little things, and I just don’t see Ottawa doing them right now.

This will be the last Sens game of 2008. It really has been an awful year for the team. We’ll have to be thankful to have it end and just hope that 2009 won’t turn out to be worse.

Outage Outrage! My Coyotes fan friend Elle came over to watch the game with me last night. We put on the TV to the correct station and found … a black screen? Yes, there was a highly unfortunate Centre Ice outage in beautiful British Columbia yesterday evening which meant that I only got to see the second half of the game. An offensive outburst from the Sens, including that rarest of sights — a goal by Anton Volchenkov — and I missed the whole thing. Not cool.

No More Nogoalov. How about that Volchenkov! Going to the net, getting his own rebound … the man has unexpected levels of greatness just waiting to be discovered underneath all the obvious surface greatness. He’s an onion of greatness. The team celebration after his goal was, it must be said, adorable. I’m sure hockey players are really far too manly to be called adorable, but there you have it.

Rocks it Like U2! Jarkko Ruutu scored two notably nice-looking goals last night. We knew he had some skills — having witnessed them firsthand in terrible fashion last season — and it was good to see him bringing them out in the cause of good. When he scored, Scotiabank Place PA man Stuntman Stu announced “Jarkko!” while the crowd took over for the “Ruuuutuuuu!” part. Did they plan that? I’ve often thought that Ruutu’s name could replace Marco Polo in the world of call and answer games.

Captain’s Courageous. I was really hoping the Captain would take some time off to heal, but I should have known he can’t be stopped. Alfie, who had two assists in the game, has no need for this “rest.”

Stop PICKING ON US Already! Jason Spezza and Martin Gerber both did their best to get their respective large crowds of haters to lay off a little with pretty good performances yesterday. Well, Spezza’s performance could probably be called outstanding, as he scored two goals and two assists. His first goal, which came on a sharp angled shot after he faked out Ilya Bryzgalov, was a fancy one. But Spezza’s game was generally notable for its lack of fanciness: he was seen dumping and chasing rather than trying to carry the puck into the offensive zone. It will be interesting to see how this develops over the season. As for Gerber, he stopped 34 of 37 shots and managed not to give up any obviously weak goals for the first time this season.

On the Other Hand … It didn’t exactly overjoy me to see the team give up three goals in the third period and come close to blowing a 4-0 lead. I don’t think Gerber could be faulted on the goals, but the team defense sure could. Blown leads are perhaps my biggest hockey pet peeve. I hate them! For that reason, I can’t call this a satisfying win.

Up later today are the Boston Bruins and Tim Thomas, who has a 2.05 goals against average, a .939 save percentage, and three shutouts in his career versus Ottawa. Uh oh. At least the Bruins’ other Sens-killer, Chuck Kobasew, is out with a broken ankle. Edit: This just in. Fernandez to start instead of Thomas! The hockey gods have smiled upon us! Oh happy day!

Teams Who Aren’t the Sens: Dallas Stars

Can someone please explain to me what is wrong with Marty Turco? In the Stars’ first four games, Turco had an awful goals against average of 4.59 and a save percentage of .823. Today, he’s given the Avalanche five goals on 18 shots after two periods. The Stars are 28th in the league in terms of goals allowed right now. Last season, they were 6th. Marty. I’m begging you. Please stop sucking! You and Martin Biron are destroying my fantasy teams!

No … that’s not true. That’s impossible! Noooooooooooooooo!!!!

If you are like me, you turned on your computer yesterday morning feeling cheerful enough. You went to dress your fantasy teams for the day, and noticed a little newsblast icon beside Alfie’s name. You clicked on it, then had a mini heart attack and shouted WHAT?!!?????! at your computer as you read that the captain will be out for about two weeks as he recovers from the surprise arthrosopic surgery he had yesterday to remove a bone chip from his knee. My gut reaction –

OH MY GOD WE’RE SO SCREWED!!!! ALFIE COME BACK! ALFIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

– has subsided a little. Two weeks. Not so bad. The team has a pretty light schedule for this week, at least, with only today’s game against the Red Wings between now and next Friday. And let’s face it, this team needs to get over its massive coping issues and learn to play without him at some point, so why not now? Maybe this is the moment when they actually figure out that hey, they can make it around the block without daddy holding on to the back of the bike the whole time. Sure, there might be a few scraped knees along the way, but this is what growing up and finding your own identity is all about.

In Alfie’s absence, Dany Heatley will be acting as team captain. I’m a little surprised he’s been chosen over Chris Phillips, but I’m of course interested to see how he’ll handle the added responsibility. He seems to have been thriving with the A so far. His first task will be to lead the team into battle against the defending champs today at Scotiabank Place. No pressure, though, Captain Heater.

Teams Who Aren’t the Sens: Columbus Blue Jackets

With my shiny new Centre Ice subscription, I watched Rick Nash and company take on Dallas last night and actually beat them 5-4 in overtime! It was very exciting! Nash scored the winner with about 20 seconds to go in OT. The Stars had a 2-1 lead after totally dominating the second — the Jackets got into some very bad penalty trouble and were outshot 15-2 in the period — but Columbus then scored three in the third to take the lead. Dallas was able to come back and tie it with two goals in less than a minute towards the end of the third period. The Jackets just looked like a young team that hasn’t yet learned to play with a lead at that point, and the more experienced Stars pounced on them. It looked bad, and I was quite surprised that CBJ was able to pull out the win. All in all it was a very entertaining game! I’m generally not one to heap praise on the NHL and their marketing people, but Centre Ice might actually be one of the best ideas ever.